Tis the season to be really mean. We allow ourselves to overindulge in everything from chocolate and candy to eggnog and Champagne (Screw it! Make a New Year’s resolution to work out more. Problem solved.). We spend entire paychecks on gifts like electric toothbrushes (who doesn’t want an electric toothbrush; hygiene is hot?)!
Above all, we love to point and laugh at little children who scream in horror while sitting on Santa’s lap. This is probably the only time when even parents can’t help but laugh out load and photograph their baby as they struggle to free themselves from Santa’s cruel grip. To prove this point, I went onto Flickr’s Creative Commons and found photographic evidence, past and present, of kids screaming while Santa forces them to reveal their wish list.
Man, why don’t you just waterboard these kids—you might actually get something out of them. “I just (gasp, gasp) want a Dora the Explorer lunch box!!!! Mommmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”
You can check out some of the pics here. Consider this our gift to you. Happy Holidays SMITHs!
Moving on. Unemployed this holiday season? Looking for that dream job? Into finding out who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? Then becoming a professional Santa Claus might be the gig for you, once you pass the background check and grow out your beard. FYI:only men can apply. Although, an exception might be made if you’re a really hairy woman. A SMITH T-shirt to any female who tries!
While would-be Santas can apply to smaller shopping centers directly, national staffing services farm out talent to the larger malls. Noerr Programs Corp. serves as the North Pole’s version of central casting: It supplies St. Nicks to 169 major malls across the country. At Noerr, aspiring Santas are carefully interrogated about their willingness to travel, experience with kids, and, if applicable, their own memorable moments playing Santa. One key question: What does Christmas mean to you? Preferred answer: It’s all about the children. Santas can be of any ethnicity—certain malls prefer African-American or bilingual Santas—but they must be male, in keeping with tradition. Having a natural beard is also a prerequisite.
If you don’t think you can handle screaming, clawing munchkins all day long, perhaps a job as Santa’s elf might be more up your alley. Think Will Ferrell. You can listen to David Sedaris (bro of my personal idol, Amy) talk about his experience as a Macy’s elf here.
Have a happy and healthy holiday and a fantastic New Year!