The negative ABCs of being suicidal
BackstoryIf you refer to a earlier entry entitled; "Every suicide attempt made me stronger," then you will get a backbone as to where this thought process of using the alphabet to categorize my feelings came from.
During a recent visit to my nearby sanctuary, er...Starbucks, I was writing semi dark poetry in a book, minding my silence, minding myself as I always do. A gentleman sat down at a table next to me and mirrored what I was doing, minding my own business. Fifteen minutes into self silence, his cell rang, it was his son phoning from Afghanistan, telling him he arrived safely and everything is ok. The quick conversation ended, the silence returned. I finally turned to him and asked; "Is your son ok?" This began a short story of the man not happy with his son being gone from his nest. I listened then gave a short synopsis of my life. Beginning with the darkness of youth to the path I walked to and through 48 different countries, the many ups and downs, few in betweens and the many losses over the years. Never once have I seen someone listen with that much intensity to me as I talked. Especially since I rarely talked about my past, my life and other personal items as I did. As it turned out, the gentleman I was talking to was a minister at a local church. He stated that as he formally introduced himself after my mini spapshot of myself. I gave the plain introduction in return; "Nice to meet you I'm ******." He said, no, you are not ******, you are a Seeker. You are looking for something and still have not found it.
So long story short. I am looking for something. Myself. Someone. Myself. I can reach out to anyone and match their ups and downs word for word, feeling for feeling. I'm no better. I'm not special or above anyone. I am me. I am I, just looking for my wave of hope, my personal ray of sunshine, my path with a brighter finish line.