Six Word Memoirs on Life Stories

accidentaltourist says,

Okay, I'll go first. I want to like them, if they make my children happy. They are welcomed into the family with open arms, and treated just like the rest of the rolicking brood in social settings. But the truth is, I don't care much for my son's wife...she's a spoiled, selfish only child, and she often lashes out at other family members it what she perceives are "slights"...it drives us all nuts. I can forgive some of her behavior as being a product of her upbringing, but the sad truth is, I have a hard time swallowing her disrespect for me, her husband's mother. I raised my children better than that, and I expect better from those with whom they have chosen to spend their lives.

Wench says,

I used to get along really well with my MIL. I think the mistake she made was thinking that us getting along meant that I wanted to be very best friends with her and share intimate secrets about our lives, marital struggles, etc. I did not. When I was pregnant and didn't want to tell her Absolutely Everything - and then we dropped the bomb that we were moving two hours away - she started getting nasty and suddenly I was the nightmare daughter-in-law who didn't respect or care about or like or include her. My behavior toward her has never changed. Fortunately, my son is still too tiny for significant others, but I'm hoping I remember if he ever has one how hard it is for some people to join a new family and adapt to the way they do things. My mom gets offended when my husband uses the bathroom and forgets to light a candle - sometimes we're trying, really really hard, we just don't know how to fit into the way things have 'always been'. Traditions and behaviors that your son may find normal and familiar because he grew up with you may be really hard for her to adapt to. On the other hand, I don't know her - she could be a total b**ch, too. =P

accidentaltourist says,

It's rather ironic...I actually don't expect my children to be either at my beck and call or involving me in their intimate lives. The best thing I could do for them was to raise them to be independent and strong, and to know they could live their lives without having to answer to me once they are grown. They know they can call on me if they need me...but I don't stop by unexpectedly or dictate that they visit me on my schedule. And we try very hard to accomodate her quirks....but yeah, sometimes she's just a bitch. :)

Dragonflower says,

I'm pretty lucky. I love my son-in-law and I couldn't ask for anyone better to be my daughter's partner in life. He's kind and respectful to me and helps me when I need it. Having said that, I try really hard to be a good MIL, and mother, and not interfere with them at all or expect anything from them--like insisting on regular visits, or acting a certain way around me, or doing stuff only the way I like it. They have their lives and their routines and ways of spending the holidays and I support that and encourage it. I have no doubt, whatsoever, that I am loved by them. However, sometimes, if I am being really honest, their independent lifestyle makes me feel a little lonely, a little neglected, a little left out. But not really. It's confusing to me at times. I truly want it just the way it is. I wouldn't want it any other way. The part of me that has those other feelings (feeling neglected, etc) is based on some dysfunctional model I grew up with about how families are supposed to interact with the "elders". I am not married now, but my last marriage (not my daughter's father--a second marriage) failed very quickly because of MIL interferance and expectations. It was heartbreaking for me when my 2nd husband wouldn't stand up to his mother and let her dictate how things should be. So, when my daughter got married, I made a vow I'd never be like that. I remember when my mother-in-law insisted that me and my daughter write out a Christmas list. I told her we didn't believe in that; I tried so hard to be gentle about it, but a list feels so greedy to me and not how I raised my daughter to think about Christmas. In their family, it was a normal, routine thing (as I'm sure it is in most families). Yeah, a list would make things easier. But my deal was, gifts are from the heart. I wanted her to get to know me and my daughter and then gift us accordingly. It made such an argument. Looking back, I probably should have just given in. I don't know. The 2nd marriage only lasted one Christmas. By the following Christmas he'd left me (actually the week before), saying I made things too difficult and he couldn't be married to me anymore. I always felt I was never given a chance. I never understood why she was so mean to me and why she didn't recognize that I loved her son and made him happy. I felt she should have been appreciative of that. I remember telling him, "I didn't marry your mom. I don't have to make her happy." Probably hard for a son to hear. My own parents passed away when I was young, so he didn't have to deal with that issue for himself. You are right, this is a tough question, but one I'm sure lots of people grapple with. Thanks for asking.

Wench says,

Autumn22 - sad story. One thing you said kind of struck me - I feel like, in a sense, we *do* marry our spouse's families. But we only fall in love with spouse. Do I have to deal with the mother God gave my awesome husband? Yes. And there have been times when I really thought that that would end our relationship, even though my husband is really good about sticking up for me. I need to learn how to deal with her and get along, or else be way more ballsy about cutting her out, which really has never been my goal. But I think she's upset because we're not the closest of pals, and the truth is, if I wasn't married to her son, I would never, ever, ever talk to her. It is a relationship of necessity, and it works best for everyone involved to get along, but we're not close and it only makes it worse for her that she expects us to be.

Dragonflower says,

Yes, Wench, I see your point. I was pretty inexperienced in the spouses' family thing when I remarried. My first husband's mother lived out of the country, so it was never an issue I had to deal with. And after being without parents most of my life, I wasn't exactly prepared to have a mother at 42--especially one who didn't seem to like me much and wanted to boss me. Thanks for your insights, it's helped me to see where I was responsible in this situation and not just a victim. Empowering. You seem like a very wise, wonderful and creative person. Your family is lucky to have you!

accidentaltourist says,

She is wise beyond her years, that one. :)

canadafreeze says,

I could give you a long story, but suffice it to say it is yet another link we share, AT, and it breaks my heart. My son is happy, and that is what matters.