What's Your Next-Door Neighbor Story?

The Bitch from the Laundromat That One Night

So I had work in two hours. I just needed my uniform to be clean by then. I had six quarters for the laundromat downstairs.
That night was gearing up to be shitty. There had been steady rainfall since I woke. I had to work. And I had a bum windshield wiper. Not only was I working, but I was risking my life for shitty tips.

All the washers and dryers were going, no one inside. Just the defunct remains of a vending machine.
I put my clothes in the lone available washer and left.
I came back to change my clothes over.
My clothes were sitting in a wet pile on top of the washer.
I don't know how I knew the perp was a girl, but I kept thinking the word Bitch.
The washer was still banging around.
I raised the lid and brought Bitch's washing experience to a justified halt.
After her clothes stopped whirling, I got an eyeful of thongs plastered in clumps.
If she thought her behavior was acceptable, how would she feel if somebody did that to her? Isn't that the Golden Rule, upon which all religions are based? Wasn't I just doing what Jesus would do?
I put my clothes in a dryer, and hers in a wet pile.
I moved quickly, as anyone meddling with laundry is wise to do.
I came back and my clothes were removed from the dryer. Touché, slutface. My work uniform laid in a warm, damp pile.
When playing a game of strategy, never just say “Make your move,” and leave the room!
I filled my laundry basket with my load, and then casually popped open Bitch's dryer, topping off my basket with her panties. You know what, Bitch? I took the cutest pairs.

On my way out, I coolly let them drop like rose petals behind me.
I hurried to a friend (with a dryer)'s house and spilled my story.
“you're fucking evil,” they go. “We had no idea.”
Whatever.
I fucking won.
I only wish I could've seen her face when her eyes focused on the familiar trail of lingerie.
And that's who I want to meet first in Heaven.

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Have a Next-Door Neighbor Story?

As part of our new webcomic, Next-Door Neighbor, we thought it appropriate to have a little contest. Tell us your best true next-door neighbor story, and the winning tale will be matched with an artist and transformed into a webcomic and included as the final installment of Next-Door Neighbor.

About Next-Door Neighbor


No matter how close or how far, we all live next to someone, and we all have a Next-Door Neighbor story. With that in mind, editor Dean Haspiel asked some of his favorite storytellers and cartoonists to create their favorite NDN stories so we could share them with you.

The Fine Print & Contest Rules

By submitting an entry, you are granting SMITH the right to reprint or republish that entry online or in print, as well as make any necessary edits. See SMITH's terms of service for complete details.

This contest ends September 1, 2008. Prizes are not redeemable for cash and must be accepted as awarded. Winners are decided at the discretion of SMITH judges and all decisions are final. SMITH reserves the right to change the contest rules. Enter as often as you want. SMITH reserves the right to reprint or republish all entries.

 
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