Regret

It's all a vicious circle of pondering that will never end if you don't put forth some effort to cease the whole process.

I spent a lot of high school not caring what my grades were. Partly cause I knew I was smart and I knew I was gonna get decent grades even if I didn't try. So I didn't care all that much and I didn't try all that often. And I was smart! I got the good grades that I had predicted. It wasn't till quite some time after those days that I realized they weren't the great grades I was capable of. Now I'm in the sixth year of my collegiate carrier and working on my third associates degree from a local community college that I swore I wasn't gonna go to. The hell of it is, I'm that laid back guy that is normally able to deal with most anything thats thrown at me. This is mainly cause I accept what life has brought me as well as the things I have brought onto myself in this life. I have made some decisions that not until years after did i realize they were not the ones to brag about. I think a lot of people are like me (at least I hope they are) in that they are accepting of the things that happen to them. Only recently have I come to the latest and maybe most important epiphany of my life (up to this point I'm sure); that you can be fine with being average until you find that one thing that makes you want to be more than that. It's that thing that makes you want to be a great person, to be better that you ever would have believed you could be. It's different for everybody I think. I'm not gonna go into a lengthly list of the things it could be cause none of it affected me and thats not what I'm here to talk about. It's the single blond hair I find clinging to my fleece jacket. leaving the slightest hint of presence. I like to daydream about how it got there. And why it decided to hang on for the almost 300 mile trip home. I can only hope that the little bit of her that resides in that single hair wants to be close to me no matter what it takes and how rough the haul seems to get sometimes. But I'm getting off point here. Point being that I found that thing that makes me want to be better than I am, for me it was her. And the point of the hair i guess is that it is everything that has to do with her; from every single hair that happens to make it home with me after the long trip back, to the book that I read just cause she was reading it (I never would have even thought about picking that book up if it wasn't for her. And it ended up being a great book. Again off point.) I love my determination since we've been together. I want to read more, learn more, help more, see more, and do more. The thing that keeps popping into my head is that I know I could be more. And I will be more cause I know I have it in me. See, I have never regretted anything in my life till now. Those days in high school. I know I could have been on the top end of my class if I had just given it a bit more. actually I was on the top end, but I mean in the top, probably 10%. But now that I'm writing this it gets me thinking. Had I given it my all in high school would I have made the same decisions that lead me to her now. It's all a vicious circle of pondering that will never end if you don't put forth some effort to cease the whole process. So I'm stopping it now and calling this aimless wondering to a close. Abrupt and yet not early enough.

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