A Choice

I just wish that I can have someone to help me make an impossible choice.

Senior year of highschool. Go on and conjour up fond memories of days long past or recently past. Or happening right now. I really don't know.

I spent all my school years working hard, getting good grades, and not stepping over any person's toes. I have spent many a sleepless night studying in order to maintain a 3.7 GPA at my school. And finally, FINALLY all that hard work has paid off.

College, university, the big time, the most important years of my life to come has welcomed me into her arms like a child running for the mother. After 12 years of Catholic school (6 spent in a same sex school I hated), four grueling years of shoving knowledge in my head at (co-ed) high school. Of being told that I was one of those people who had to wait for college in order to be truly accepted by my peers. Of sleepless nights pouring over math books, when I really wanted to read (or y'know sleep) having the dream of being an English Major with a Writing Speciality to keep my doubts at bay.

I have finally been accepted. Scholarships have been offered. Places in writing programs are being thrown my way like teenage girls throw themselves at the Jo-Bros.

So the question is...why am I so terrified?

Seriously, I have it down to two schools. Both offering me places in their English/Writing programs, both having an oustanding reputations, both are Jesuit institutions, both are full of brilliant people, both are practically assuring me that if I worked myself hard enough then I could get into any Creative Writing graduate department in the country. The only thing that's different about them is that one is close to home and the other is about two hours away by car.

So the question is do I want to go away or stay at home?

And it's not an easy choice. People tell me to be selfish in my decision. But ever since my mom died when I was 12. I have continually put people before myself. I'm not sure if I CAN be selfish anymore. Because I appreciate that my decisions will impact all those close to me. I don't care about my needs, my wants.

...I'm scared. Terrified in a way that I have never really felt before. Yet a bit of dread sits in my stomach, heavy and uncomfortable. Because everytime I have really wanted something in my life, it usually blows up in my face. And I think that if I pick a school and seriously get excited about it then something bad will happen. That's what past experience has shown me. Everytime I showed something that, to me, resembled selfishness then I ended up being screwed over.

And I cannot take another heartbreak.

I'm scared. I don't want to do. My dad is pressuring me to make a choice because money has to be moved around or something. I just wish that it is easier for me to choose, to be selfish and not scared because I haven't had a solid nights sleep in a couple weeks and I am so worn down.

I just wish that I can have someone to help me make an impossible choice.


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