we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. how does this happen? how can we lose such control over our own thoughts, our own actions, our own lives. i heard once that a defect of the alcoholic mind is that of survival. in some strange brain wave we feel that we fear that we will not survive. that we need to consume to maintain. i didn't understand that at first, but, after paying attention to how i do things, i understand. i do not know how to explain it, i can just feel it. i just want to consume things, constantly. i must keep busy. when i am idle i feel nuts. my mind and nerves are swirling, bouncing, releasing and contracting. dancing to the static beat of my soul. keep me going and flowing or i will spontaneously combust.