murder

it moves in and out of me like a slow and steady breath. my head has been buzzing for hours...i finally know what to do. there is a bed. not a normal bed, more like a massage table. rope, lots of rope, enough so that you cannot move. i do not gag you, i want to hear you speak. that's all i ever wanted. my favorite knife awaits my touch. i have been shining it for hours, watching you. i give it the satisfaction of picking it up...it has been calling my name, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. i bring it over to your almost naked body. the blade gently caresses you. i do not want to penetrate that precious skin just yet. i do not want to hurt you, but i don't know what else to do. i do not know how else to make my own pain come to an end. this is all i can think of, all that allows me to breath. your eyes, they plead. you do not know if i will do it or not. you did not expect this of me. i did not expect this of myself. enough of the game. i cut. gently. above your chest. slight, sweet. dark warm blood slowly seeps out. a sly smile enters my lips. relaxation. it feels so good. but i am sad. you are scared. i did not want to hurt you. but you hurt me. you whimper. your eyes tear. i am suddenly overcome with sadness so i cut again to make it go away. chasing the calm. in my swirl of emotion i cut this time faster, harder, longer, deeper. i cry. it's not working anymore. i am not feeling better. this will only make you hate me more. all i ever wanted was for you to love me. why didn't you love me? the blood looks appealing. maybe i should taste it. my lips are drawn to your skin. the blood is warm and soothing. i feel closer to you now. i have gone too far. somehow i thought this would make you understand. somehow this would bring us closer. it doesn't make sense. but it does. it is truth, it is pure. now i am stuck. i cannot go back, but i don't want to kill you. what do i do. cut some more, contemplate the finally. which road will i take. i cry. i kiss your lips. "i just wanted you. that's all. why didn't you want me back?". i don't want an answer. i know why. this is why. this is what i have become. a monster. but it only seems that way. i am harmless. so small. so feeble. so sad. Please....

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