I didn't even have to think about it.
I felt that my whole life before that point was pain and hopelessness. I would try anything. In the movies it looked liberating. The characters were always in pain, so they did the drugs or drank that drink to feel better. To just feel a little relief.
I could identify.
Over the next thirteen years I did anything that came my way. If I ended up in more pain with a particular substance than without it, I would switch to something else. People say, "what was your drug of choice?". I say, "which year?". I became ruled by these substances and my own twisted mind and tormented emotions.
Now I am free of these substances, but I am still with me.
What do I do now when I just want some relief? Oh, go to an AA meeting. But not right now. I have a herniated disk. I can't sit in those chairs and listen to those sob stories. I AM IN PAIN!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just want some relief.
But, I know where that will take me. I don't want to be ruled by that voice in my head and in my bones that won't stop until i have a large stash. And still won't stop then. It never stops. It never ever ever ever stops.
These days it speaks of food.
That is a tale for another time. For now, I will continue to take my friend Advil. I will continue to see the physical therapist, the acupuncturist, and the non-directional force chiropractor. I will meditate. I will keep trying to find the thought that feels better. I will do my job to the best of my abilities and with a smile on my face regardless of my current condition. I will be happy.
I will be free.
And, every once in a while I will let out a little bit of grief. I will write it doing and get it out. Then it is no longer inside of me. It can hurt me no more.
I am free.