Lost sense of soul

Life is a rollercoaster

Any one who tells you that rape does not damage the soul
Has not been raped
You lose your soul, you body, your peace of mind
Your sense of righteous existence
I can’t even make connection with my own flesh and blood

I should have died that day
Nine years old, perhaps God would let me have a do-over.
I think I survived for a reason
My daughter loves me, but like most, she doesn’t like me very much
My husband doesn’t trust me or like me very much
My son is too young to have decided, I hope.

It is tough to be different from everyone
Somewhere there must be people like me.
Kate says THERAPY, GROUP, and COUNSELING
I say Stop! Therapists are trying to fix themselves
I have enough shit of my own.

My heart is hurt
I have no tears, yet I am crying
My raison d’etre has told me
I am not her family

Family, she says, is there for you
Family establishes boundaries
Family expects something for you

Apparently,
All my decisions regarding her have been wrong
Open when I should have been closed
Resisting making her decisions for her
Invading her privacy
Disrespecting her boundaries, her independence

Where was my fucking manual?
I can learn anything if you give me a book
Parenthood sucks
It feels like a no win game
Damned if you don’t, damned if you do

And now she does not speak to me
She is safe
She is focusing elsewhere
She is angry
Guilt trips can be arduous

What have I done?
What does she want from me?
Is this her guilt trip? Or mine?

I reached out
Was received
And discarded

Friends – hah
Included and excluded simultaneously
The story of my life so far

I continue to reach
In a different direction
Another damage soul
Whom life trauma seems to follow

Life is a rollercoaster
Thank God for the momentum from the downhill plunges