How did it happen again?
My life is not a video by Katy Perry
A man with a girlfriend, a fiancée or a wife should always be a 'No-No'. It's always a good rule to live by. At least on paper. Because in real life, it sucks.
As far as I can remember, I have always known that he was not available. It did not seem to bother me that much though. It may have been because of his behaviour; that guy is a big flirt. He has got the " I am hot but don't worry I know it" kind of attitude. Of course, it doesn't explain everything in the story that I am about to say...
I don't really know how it all started. We were just a bunch of friends who liked going out together. At some point, I noticed that one of them seemed to like me. So I started liking him too.
That's when we started playing a game. It was a very silly game. The kind of game you don't really want to lose. For months, we flirted, trying to figure out who would fall first. Between us, there was some kind of tension. Sexual tension I mean. Unfortunately, sex makes everything complicated, from the moment you think about it until the moment you have it. And even when you don't have it, it's still a mess. That's why some people say it's best to have it. I guess you would have had some fun in the process.
In our case, it was even worse than that because there was a fiancée waiting for him in another country. I can't say how many times we got really close until he started to get cold feet... I had to tell him: " I understand, if you don't want to do this it's fine by me, but you have to stop fooling around and make a decision." Not that I wanted to push him down the road to hell - he was already half way through there when I first met him anyway - but I could not stand the Hot-Cold, Yes-No, Up-Down thing. My life is not a video by Katy Perry.
I just needed it to be clear, to know where I was going and to have a straight answer. I thouhgt it was it when he said: " I hope you are not seeing too much into that, it's just a game and in the end, I just want to be your friend." OUCH! It hurt. But at least, it was clear enough. Until the day Heaven was definitely not an option anymore and it just happened!
To be honest, I did not see it coming AT ALL. When I told my sister that, the only thing she answered was " why? Was it that small?" You see, that's exactly what your family is here for; cheer you up by cracking a joke when the only thing you have in mind all day long is " Actually no, it was not that small..."
I am not that stupid either. It had been in the air for quite a long time and it just happened because it felt right at that point. I remember another silly game that we played in a club once. It was called " Let's put a rose in my mouth and see what happens next". That night, he invited me to his flat and it did NOT feel right. I completely freaked out. Because if you answer yes to such a question you know that the next game you will be playing is " what if I put it in my boxers instead?"
No, it did not happen like that. It was not planned on any of our agendas. That's why I guess, I will never regret it. Even if I admit that it was wrong - and still is today - and that it probably means that I am a terrible person.
Now, let's face it. It was the build you up to knock you straight back down again kind of thing.
The following day and the day after, he did not even look at me. And by the next Tuesday, I was already getting mad. I kept telling myself to stop thinking and picturing what I was thinking and picturing. If I did not want to turn insane, I knew what to do: call him! Said like that, it might sound needy or even pathetic but I'm sorry, for me, there is a difference between dancing a bit too close in a club and starting to take my clothes off. One is called flirting, the other one is called sex.
Obviously, him being a guy - and definitely not the best one of them - he did not understand why I was in such a state, did not see why we should talk about it even. I had to put my big girl's pants on and use my Grandmother's best advice on men: " If you want things to move on, use some good old threatening." And it worked! I got something out of him. Ok, maybe not what I had hoped for. Who likes getting in their face " what happened should never have happened, I am sorry, I feel so guilty and bad" ?
By the way, "guilty" and " bad" were not even meant for me. No, he felt bad for his girlfriend . That's another thing, the only advantage I had had so far, was the one of the "territory". I was here, she was not. Unfortunately, it was about to change radically. She was coming to town the following week.
Here is the part in the story where I got lost, if you want something as much as he pretends he has been wanting it, why do you wait for FOUR very long months and go for it a few days before your "beloved" comes back to you? Either he got his " I am so glad this is happening, I have been wanting it for so long" out of some book called ' 50 things to say to get her into bed' or he likes to spice up his life and thought he needed some more complication and that maybe, I needed some too.
Now, weeks later, she has finally arrived here and I have disappeared from the centre of his attention. And today, we are just friends... with benefits...except without the benefits and I'm not even sure we are friends anymore. It hurt. A little bit. Maybe it still does but the good thing when you get involved with someone who is part of your friends is that once it messes up, you find yourself with a lot of free time and free space. It is weird how they seem to consider, all at the same time, that you NEED to spend at least one or two weeks on your own...
So, it gave me time to think. And the more I look at it, the less I understand myself. I mean, I am a great girl. I am the girl with a degree in English Literature for God's sake! The one who can master 3 different languages and discuss Jane Austen's work for hours. I should not fall for some idiot who obviously can't keep it in his pants. Because that's what he is: an idiot! Maybe a hot one, but still. And somewhere, deep inside, buried under the layers of self-doubt and insecurity, I know I deserve better than that.