Uttered the Words, "I Hate Myself"

Year: 1998

Time: 1:00 am

Place: Somewhere between awake, alive, asleep and dead.

Lying there, I slashed at my wrist with the sharp point of a math compass and my mother’s sewing scissors. Not wanting to kill my own self, I would scratch until I bled and then I’d pray to God to take me home. I would scratch and twist my wrist to watch the blood and feel the pain inside sting as it came to fruition. I wanted to wake up dead.

Lying there, thinking about how much I hated myself. I hated my thoughts, I hated the way I looked, I hated the choices I made, I hated the choices I wanted to make, I hated the things I said out loud, I hated the things I imagined saying. I hated myself for how selfish I was for only thinking about how much I hated myself.

Lying there, confidently doubting everything about myself. I could not bring myself to understand why I was still alive, living each day without purpose.

Lying there I had to make a choice, a choice to stop praying for death and pray for life. I had to pray to God to give me life beyond just breathing and a beating heart. I prayed for strength, I prayed for purpose, I prayed for patience, I prayed for understanding, I prayed for happiness, I prayed to love myself.

Year: 2013

Time: 1:00 am

Place: Somewhere between awake, alive, asleep and living.

Standing here, I make the choice, to force myself to be proud. I make the choice to believe in myself and to live out my purpose. I make the choice to be simple, and rule complication out of my choices. I can bring myself to appreciate my choices, be happy, and understand that loving who I am is not selfish but selfless.

Standing here, I still doubt. The hate creeps in to the back of my brain. I hear it mocking me, reminding me, not letting me forget. I have to force the path to a dead life away. I have to force myself to live.

Standing here, I pray to live my life full and proud. I believe a greater purpose exists, my life exists for a reason, and my life is worthwhile. It does not matter what the reason is, but that there IS a reason is what matters.

Standing here I utter the words, "I am alive."


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