Uttered the Words, "I Hate Myself"

Year: 1998

Time: 1:00 am

Place: Somewhere between awake, alive, asleep and dead.

Lying there, I slashed at my wrist with the sharp point of a math compass and my mother’s sewing scissors. Not wanting to kill my own self, I would scratch until I bled and then I’d pray to God to take me home. I would scratch and twist my wrist to watch the blood and feel the pain inside sting as it came to fruition. I wanted to wake up dead.

Lying there, thinking about how much I hated myself. I hated my thoughts, I hated the way I looked, I hated the choices I made, I hated the choices I wanted to make, I hated the things I said out loud, I hated the things I imagined saying. I hated myself for how selfish I was for only thinking about how much I hated myself.

Lying there, confidently doubting everything about myself. I could not bring myself to understand why I was still alive, living each day without purpose.

Lying there I had to make a choice, a choice to stop praying for death and pray for life. I had to pray to God to give me life beyond just breathing and a beating heart. I prayed for strength, I prayed for purpose, I prayed for patience, I prayed for understanding, I prayed for happiness, I prayed to love myself.

Year: 2013

Time: 1:00 am

Place: Somewhere between awake, alive, asleep and living.

Standing here, I make the choice, to force myself to be proud. I make the choice to believe in myself and to live out my purpose. I make the choice to be simple, and rule complication out of my choices. I can bring myself to appreciate my choices, be happy, and understand that loving who I am is not selfish but selfless.

Standing here, I still doubt. The hate creeps in to the back of my brain. I hear it mocking me, reminding me, not letting me forget. I have to force the path to a dead life away. I have to force myself to live.

Standing here, I pray to live my life full and proud. I believe a greater purpose exists, my life exists for a reason, and my life is worthwhile. It does not matter what the reason is, but that there IS a reason is what matters.

Standing here I utter the words, "I am alive."

Comments

ctgoods2 says,

Definitely something you can be proud of. Glad you made the leap to share. :)

notyouraveragegirl says,

Touching story. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, one of pain and triumph. I enjoyed your essay's format. Congrats!

jl333 says,

So glad you had the courage to post this ES. Thanks for sharing

ErikaStellar says,

Thank you! The ability to post came from everyone in the SMITH community. The support has increased my comfort level.

RedStickWriter says,

Darkness. Light. Liberation. Victory. Captivating. Inspiring. Congratulation worthy. Now that you know how that publishing button works, keep 'em coming. Continue to share your gift of molding words ... in doses of six or otherwise. I guess you realize your new button-pushing skill has simultaneously assembled an audience and created expectations.

kathi_wright says,

brutal and hopeful, powerful. loved this, your honesty and vulnerability, your courage. keep writing, sharing.

ErikaStellar says,

Thank you everyone!

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