it drove me crazy having dreams with you in them, then waking up to see you not there.
it's amazing how life can fall apart overnight. January 4th happened 12 months ago, and I still can't forget the pain your leaving caused me.
it started when I caught mom on the phone with grandma, around 7:30 AM. it's difficult to put into words what happened, but you died. I remember how I stayed at your house until break was almost over in a couple days, and I really wish I'd been there up until break ended. gammy said you were happy before you died, and that you thought you were fine every time the rescue squad came, twice, to try and keep you alive. the first time was Diabetic Shock, or something to that extent. you were in your room, TV on loud, and it was unusually late for you. I wish you'd have gone to the hospital the first time the rescue-squad had been called. then you might still be here. Gampy, I don't know why you didn't go. we would have paid for it. we love you too much.
but it's been a year. almost a whole year.
I don't want you to feel bad for leaving, I'm sure you're better off now. I had so many dreams of you when you died, every time I woke up, I cried. and then, mom had to tell me the worst thing, on my Birthday Eve, July 17th:
that you're not even related to me, that my mom was the result of an affair in 1955, and to me, that makes my entire family, including gammy, nothing but filth on the street to me. It doesn't change that I love you, gampy. I don't think I ever will. Mom said she picked you out at the Electricians Union picnic when she was little. that's probably the only thing she ever did right in her filthy life. I can't help but hate gammy sometimes, for having an affair, when she, herself, is now a Prim'n Proper christian lady. I suppose she's trying to make up for the filth. I don't know why mom had to go and tell me. she tells me to not tell anyone, that I'm the only one who knows, but then, Alex reveals that he was told first! that makes mom even worse of a person. three people can be told a secret if two of them are dead. I guess mom never got the memo.
you didn't have to marry gammy. I bet I wouldn't be here if you hadn't. Mom wouldn't have married dad, and would have probably died of pneumonia, good riddance.
if anyone ever reads this, I'm sure they'll wonder how I can be so heartless to the people who raised me. it's simple. mom lays in bed all day, complaining, not moving, watching TV, not RAISING me. Gammy and gampy raised me. dad raised me slightly more than mom did. I could care less if mom dropped off the face of the earth right now. I have nothing to gain, or to lose, from her being here. she is, as they say, a Space Filler. we have several hundred pounds of crap that she won't let us throw away. she keeps dolls, which I have a severe phobia of, regardless of how I'm afraid of them. she is a bitch. I hate her rather muchly.
anyway, as I was saying. before mom shattered my life on July 17th, Gammy had been moved in on the day you died. this meant we got to eat regularly, as mom never cooked dinner for us. it also meant our laundry was done fairly regularly, as mom never did laundry anyway. it also meant that I would always be afraid that she'd trip over a cat and fall and DIE. I spent almost every night of her 8 month visit sleeping on a couch in the living room with her, who brought her own couch.
it must be rather difficult being dead, isn't it? I mean, I can't get a reply from you, as I'd like one, but heaven or the Summerlands, or next life, or whatever the Afterlife is probably doesn't have the internet. which makes me sad.
on this Sunday last, I woke up thinking the past year was a horrible nightmare, and that I was at your house, sleeping on my fold-out bed in the living room. I cried a bit. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you, gampy. it drove me crazy waking up every morning thinking that you were alive, then remembering you weren't. it drove me crazy having dreams with you in them, then waking up to see you not there. I'm glad I never tried to kill myself, but I had warning that you were going to go.that stupid vision thing said May or march. it was wrong, but the weather matched the month I thought it would be when you died. Blylies messed up your face for the viewings. you looked too young. I thought they mixed you up with someone else. I think we have the Very Last picture of you, and you look so sad in it. like you knew you were going to be gone soon. thanksgiving 2007.
I miss you. I wish I could have the dreams again. I'd hug you in each and every one of them, and we'd talk, and then I'd wake up. I only remember the hugs, not what we'd talk about. can I have the dreams again, or have you moved on too far? I hope I can, and not just having my brain tricking me into thinking I'm talking to you. I could tell the difference. I didn't like it.
ah, well. if I have the dreams, I'll see you then.