Is It Fine If I Just Say My Peace?
've always thought of my life in two parts, my self split among them. The part that existed before a year and a half ago and the part that existed after. I'm not sure if this change is for the better or not though; but maybe someone else can decide that?
I've always thought of my life in two parts, my self split among them.
The part that existed before a year and a half ago and the part that existed after. I'm not sure if this change is for the better or not though; but maybe someone else can decide that?
Before I was naive. Best in class, valedictorian, loved my grandparents, family. Well mostly. I noticed there were quirks: I was always told don't be like your mom. And there always seemed to be fighting. And I never saw my dad. But it didn't bother me.
It all began after that. I can't remember if it was me, if it was my grandmother. Was it spending too much time on msn or a bad project or one of us was in a sour mood? I don't know, but overnight, over something, my house became a war ground.
And it never changed. Night after night, every morning screams filled the halls. It be natural if I wasn't told not to cry, it be natural if I didn't hear the things I did; my mom's a hoar? Christians are stupid? I'm a failure? My cousin is an idiot? I'm a bitch? I found out my mom was bipolar, found out she'd been abused by men, found out my family couldn't stand her as a teen. I found out my dad held grudges against my family and I found out my aunt secretly held a disdain for me. All the things that swarmed naive me drove me insane, over the edge. It got even worse; I came down with a severe sickness for three weeks, my period lasting for two weeks with losing more blood than I had in me. I became so iron deficient I nearly died in the hospital and all the energy and vitality I lost those weeks I never got back. I think sometimes that was what really set me over the edge. Often I hope it is.
I thought what did I do to deserve any of this? And I just dwelled more inside myself until a few months in when I exploded. I told EVERYONE everything and by then, it became rumors. Soon the whole school knew I was going to get kicked out of the house, knew of my mood swings. It got back to my grandparents and then, things just nose dived. I was told I was lying about everything; and although i knew I was honest I started to see myself as a liar. I felt guilty for even speaking and I just drew in myself even more. Even when I was silent I could barely breathe without a fight, and as I felt all my family's disdain, slowly became the rebel to them, I began to hate myself. It grew really this hate, almost like another entity within me. It was little, but then as things like fights with my boyfriend, my father abandoning me after only being in my life for one year, getting 40s on tests started to happen, the hate became a huge ball. I had anxiety attacks, people tried to fix me. I sometimes pretended it work but it never did. I was still the lowest I'd ever been in my life. The real clincher for me though was this one phone call, where after another fight with someone, I swore under my breath for the first time in my life; and I knew right then and there I would never be the same.
I lost a part of me the minute I said that word. And the old me just went further and further. I smiled less, I laughed less, I cried to sleep every night. My boyfriend told me I shouldn't be depressed, I laughed too hard with friends for them to believe me. Then my baby cousin died. I practically threw myself in her plot, on that little wooden box that held her limp body. See I blamed myself for her death in a sense; I was the one who was told to pray for her. I prayed for her and me, for both of us to get better. And she didn't. She died instead. And I still haven't forgiven myself for this even 8 months later.
I started breaking down in class, but it was so common people stopped noticing. But that didn't change the fact I was dying. I'm not proud but I considered the unthinkable many times. I brought a razor up to my neck at least twice. Even now I feel the same shame I'd feel every morning after, wondering what was I thinking?
It never stopped. I went insane and soon my boyfriend was driving me insane. See, at the time I found him oppressing, I didn't understand him. I thought he was controlling me, thought he should be more laid back about things. The depression also made it harder to see him in the same light. So one day I just snapped. I broke up with him and despite how he begged, I left.
I think out of everything i regret that the most. Since it all went even further downhill. I had a trip that summer, right after the break up. It was to France, for a french credit. And of course I was excited, it would be great to be with kids I thought.
But my depression put me separate from them. I could never belong i realized and even from the start I was picked out as the volatile one.
I didn't know just how volatile.
The teachers did nearly kick me off multiple times. There was the incident with the police officers and the ticket I accidentally threw out for the subway, not knowing they did checks and I cried since I had lost my wallet (an accident everyone blamed me for) and there was the time i contemplated jumping in front of the subway just to end the suffering. There was hobbling to the washroom almost fainting and no one bothering to stop for me, so I'd get in trouble for going alone. I was alone and pointed out. And so, right when i was determined to change, I had a project due and I figured no one's going to want to come with me anyways, since they'd all already walked. So I went searching for one of the rolling machines, the type in the Weird Al video.
Darn those rolling things.
Since when I searched for them I got lost. Very lost. If i had just turned around it all be all right but I didn't I just wandered. And I saw this guy I said politely hello when he did and I walked off. I just got more lost, and I didn't think about busing or anything. I asked a couple for help getting me back to the hotel.
That guy was there. It was strange. And they told me "oh oh go with him" and so, I did. Stupid stupid. All I did was stupid. We walked, we talked, we passed by a bridge. I freaked out since I knew it was a wrong direction. I tried to think of ways to escape, just to keep walking.And he disappeared.
Perfect I thought and went to run. Instead he grabbed me as I passed by a hole in the bush. Yes it turned out there was a hole.
And all my nightmares came true in that moment. I knew what was coming I pleaded and he threw me down. He got on top of me unzipped my jeans, went to try to feel me. I screamed and screamed and he told me "Attention, attention". His face, before sort of comedic looking, sort of cute was now glowing with hell in it. Lust. Evil. I didn't know what to do, save scream and squirm. I thought this is a dream it isn't real. This can't be.
He punched me in the nose three times. He went to choke me. And I knew, I suddenly realized this is real. That I'd be the next rape victim on television, the next dead body they uncovered, the unidentified soul The unlived life. This is what i would become.
I prayed "God help me now". And instantly I fought. I punched and kicked and screamed alternating times. I said fine I give up at all the right times and fought at all the right times.
And thank goodness for me he gave up. He took my purse and went through it. He saw nothing and although i still felt him on top of me I knew the worst was put off. But I had to escape. I kept fighting and fighting and I'm not sure why, but for one instant he rolled off me. And I RAN. I've never run faster, never cried more. It was awful, blood soaked everywhere, my pants not fully on, screaming after this lady he attacked me in two different languages. But she took me to police, they investigated, I stood brave. But even as I slept I'd fear he'd come. Every floor alone someone would get me. And a part of me still thought it was my fault; reran through every wrong move, and regretted ever being stupid on the trip, isolating myself Of course after all that, I got sent home. And of course I needed something happier. See I left something out before; I fell in love with my best friend...who's a girl. We started going out and it lasted 2 weeks.
Yes only 2 weeks, after loving her for ages. Since I found out deep down she was awful to me and that i didn't really care for her that much. And not only that but I'm not sure if I ever really loved her on that level...or any girl like that for that matter. But no one knows that they're all convinced I'm bi.
And I regret our experimenting. I just wanted to know if I was bi or not really. I regret making out within the first week, touching her breasts in the first week. Don't worry it went no farther; but it came back to haunt me anyhow.
Since I was still in love with the ex boyfriend. I felt it deep in my heart and i couldn't stay with her. I broke up. Haven't missed her one bit.
And I came back to him and at first it was fine.
But now....now he can't forgive me. Breaking up with him to date another girl, going so far with her in a week. He can't take it. Breaking up with him when he begged for a second chance just like I'm doing now. He can't take it. Smashing his heart out of no where for reasons i can't explain now and expecting him to take me back?
Now I cry again every night. Now I'm slipping back into that hate. But it's gotten worse; now I regret I knew my ex best friend even, no matter how cruel that sounds. Now I've gotten drunk to try to be fun and instead broke down at a party, and made a further fool of myself, embarrassing me and the guy. Now everywhere I go I feel a guy will attack me. now I must close my legs or I feel someone is going to rip me of my innocence. Now I feel dirty, even if I fought off before he could actually go in me. Now no guy appeals to me but my ex/current/whatever he is boyfriend, since I think they're all going to attack me. And now that I love my ex/current/whatever he is boyfriend more than ever, could love him better than before, have learned my mistakes....it's too late! I want to go back and teach my old self all of this, to change all of this year and a half. I want to take back the shame, the loss of possibly the love of my life,I want to save myself the pain and all the tears. I want to be forgiven since now I blame myself more than ever. Funny part he bothers me the most out of all my past. loving him so much and watching him slip away. Tell me he cares but he can't do it. Telling me not to phone him.
It's so awful to live through this day after day. No one understands how awful it is to find your happy ending and screw it up, never to have again. No one realizes how all those little things add up, that by the end they make one colossal mistake you get to be haunted by.
I love him. I love his eyes, I love his voice, I love the perfect angle he sits on a chair. I love his jokes, I love him hugging me, and I love the kind heart beneath it. Why i left him I can not fathom now and all I want to do is kick my past self in the head.
See this love is killing me after all I've been through. I just want to make it better. I want something to work out. I want to be given the chance to properly love now that I actually can!
So please if anyone reads this, could you pray a little for me? To clean up this huge mess that I've made? To find some harmony after all the upset?
To finally find love with hopefully him? To not watch what may very well be the one slip away?
To not have to listen to songs about break ups and realize I'm the bad guy? To feel deserving again?
Oh life has bashed me quite hard. But it has bashed everyone quite hard hasn't it? And you see amidst all this I've forgotten things; I've met many amazing people I'd do anything for. I've done so much for my school and gone all over the world and have made art and written so much poetry it's amazing. I've done good things and I've helped people. And I see life in beautiful metaphors, see people as all being wonderful , something I'm not sure many people do. BUT. It's not enough. My bad things are too strong and right now what i need is to be clean of them.
To start again.
To love and be loved. To get the love to fix that hate from family, from friends, from myself and from boyfriends and strangers that threw me here in the first place.
This memoir is filled with the negative since this is what I NEED to write. Not want. NEED. So hopefully someone has read this and forgiven me a little for what I've done. Hopefully this is my first step to redemption.
So if anyone reads this sorry for being morbid at parts, being sad. But for once I'm tired putting on a happy face, hiding my incredible sadness.
I'm finally saying my peace, no matter what others may think. So I can find forgiveness.