The Road to Being Okay

Is it sad that I'm barely seventeen but I feel like I'm seventy?

It's almost too quiet in the house. Dad's asleep in his bedroom. I'm in mine safe and sound. Mom's about a hundred miles south sealed away in a tomb.
I haven't had enough life experience to give advice but I have had enough life experience to wonder how the world can be both so beautiful and dark. It scares me much like the monster that you believed was under your bed as a child. I'm not supposed to know this. I'm supposed to figure this out in college or when I enter the workforce.
Is it sad that I'm barely seventeen but I feel like I'm seventy?
Let me clarify. I do not have depression. Though I am going back into therapy. I have issues and so much baggage that I get backaches. It hurts watching someone you love die right? It's supposed to feel like an open wound nearly five years later right? It's normal right? You're confused huh? Not that I blame you person reading this.
I watched someone die when I was twelve. It was my mother. Her murderer was brain cancer: four tumors all in her head. She lasted eight months after her diagnosis. The last real conversation we had was about a month or two before she died. She was sick. Her mind was gone from the education. It wasn't my mother, my friend, sitting in front of me but a stranger in her body. The stranger stared at me and said, "You hate me."
Years later it still haunts me. Maybe I should have visited her more. Maybe I should have let her know that I love her with all my heart. But I was a child (I still am a child) and I was scared. Her family was no help. I think that they blamed us for her getting cancer. According to the doctor it was possible that the tumors were developing for years.
I went into therapy shortly after she died. It didn't help mainly because my therapist talked to me like I was five. We didn't connect. I despised her and so I made up tales at my fancy. It was wrong but I was just so angry at the world. I had all these fake smiles and used my acting abilities. I told everyone that I was 'fine'. Is it sad that they all believed me? I think everyone wanted me to be fine so that they could feel okay. But time heals all wounds right?
My dad met his current fiance when I was in the eighth grade. I was SO happy. I needed a woman. I needed someone that wasn't my grandmother. I needed help navigating through these awkward teenage years. It still sucks as much as you think it does.
We moved a month before I started high school. It was nice. It was a breath of fresh air. I was feeling good about myself. I could keep in contact with those who really helped me. Well except this one friend...
Have you ever felt like that you have been controlled? Like someone is manipulating you for their own gain. I had someone like that. She guilted me. If she was happy then I was happy. If she was sad then I was sad. You know she called me on Mother's Day (which is hard enough) and complained about her family. She never took my feelings into consideration. But I needed to cling onto someone. I needed to feel like someone cared about me. I know my dad does but he has health issues of his own, nothing life threatening but still. It's hard for all parties involved. She didn't care about those problems though. So one day, midway through sophomore year, my dad sat me down and asked, "Are you really sure that she's your friend?"
The next day I had a new cell phone number, screen name, and her blocked from my email. She called the house phone for months. She needed me but I didn't need her. I grew closer to my friends at school. I was okay...not great but okay. It was like a rebirth almost.
During the summer and beginning of junior year (this year) I took a deep breath and began to reexamine my life. I realized that if I had a pray of functioning in college, I needed therapy. I feel compared to a lot of people especially my mother. I need someone who doesn't know. I need to learn how to drop those fake smiles. I need someone that when I smile with a fake one and say "Oh I'm fine." I want them to say, "Don't lie, Bec."
It's going to be okay. I have a feeling that my life will become better than okay. Right now I'm on the road to being content. Finding college, becoming the person I know I can be. Finding my story because I dream about being a novelist. I need my dreams and my imagination. I need my family and my friends. Most of I need to learn how to be okay with myself.
So this is my life so far. It sounds depressing. I'm sorry for depressing whoever is reading this. If anyone is reading this. I hope to give an update soon. I want so much now it's time to get it.
And that's what scares me a little bit.


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