Cobwebs, Vodka and My Bathroom Mirror
Is everything okay?
Cobwebs, Vodka and My Bathroom Mirror.
The shadow of the spider on my wall will haunt my dreams tonight and as long as it shows itself to me, I will not be able to sleep peacefully. I will not have a peaceful dream where I would know what serenity feels like, serenity in the form of calm and tranquility in a dream state, an alternate world in my sub-conscience, where I once used to dream of love and endless days of joy.
And now I’m stuck here at the bottom of my courage, at the end of my rope and no longer can I and no longer will I ever again try to make sense of this madness that I call home and which you call insanity, but what I perceive as normality and what you perceive as abnormality. It has all become a standstill in the bottomless pit of my longing for love heart. What is standing still is the world, the world that we call home or what we think is home, it's what we call our place in life because it's comfortable, because it's “normal”.
Oh this world. You’re crazier than the person next to you if you honestly believe that this is it. You think I’m losing my mind when you look into my eyes and you get no response back, a response to your question of the nonsensical, meaningless and utterly repulsive question of, “Is everything okay?” Don't worry if I’m okay but worry about the dreams that you can't escape from, the dreams that haunt you, the dreams that keep you from full filling your greatest desires, like making it through the day without being laughed at, or without being judged.
The cob webs forming on my ceiling above my head remind me that I will not be sleeping in harmony tonight and as I continue to look behind me for apparitions confused by the sounds of my neighbor, I glance into my glass which is half empty, but retains a trace of a pinkish clear color to it only because of the added dosage. Vodka and Merlot.
I have begun to realize that I’m not here. I am not here with the rest of you that look at me like I’ve lost it. But am I sane? And have you lost it? Or are you indeed the judges of my life and have I gone completely mad, or am I completely aware of the vulnerability and nature of our weak minds while keeping control in my own reality. Or am I trapped inside my false pretend world trying to make sense of what can never be and what can never be is not having complete control and feeling happy and content in my own world, in my own mind.
What is this all? I do not know. And on that note, sleep well tonight, tell yourself that everything will be okay, and it will if you believe it, but if you let go and peek outside your window into the world that you cannot function in, the world that controls you, it will all fall apart again. Do not let the others out there make you feel any different than you do. Go out there! Go out there and blend in with the ones who you view as a wall flower on the brick wall apartment down your street, a fixation of the world that you walk around in so carelessly, just pretending that it's not really happening. Keep telling yourself that this is just a bad dream that you'll one day wake up from. Keep hiding behind your mistakes lying to yourself and others that you've learned from your past and now you’re ready for your big debut, but you won't show up because you are too afraid to look into the mirror because you can't stand the sight of admitted failure, but you tell yourself that it's okay because tomorrow when you wake up you'll start all over again.
Keep pretending that you’re okay, keeping telling yourself that you'll be fine in the morning after you lied to yourself in the mirror the night before and don’t forget to walk ever so carefully while you cross the street thinking about the person you just hurt to make your world seem just a little more perfect and when you're on your way back home buy a few more things that you don't need and when you finally make it back home, back to your cave, tell yourself as your lying in your bed buried under the covers hiding from your problems that this time everything will be okay, that this time everything will just vanish away when you come from underneath the covers, that the world and all its misery will not be there waiting for you.
I have become so complacent within my fears, for this is all I now know. My anxiety causes fear, and fear keeps me alive. So is it worth going back, going back to “normality”?
I think I’ll choose insanity instead. It separates me from the rest. It separates me from the ones who could possibly hurt me. From the ones who I cannot see coming. And at this point in my life, my life that’s lost and twisted inside twenty seven years of abuse and fear, anyone can hurt me.
I choose to remain alone. I choose myself, my thoughts and my vodka and merlot. Sitting here quietly in perfect harmony, but also in utter and massive confusion, I am causing great harm to myself. The pain I keep eats me alive and slowly as I deteriorate, I hate myself even more for not being able to move on with life. But I gave up on myself a long time ago. So in a sense, at least from my point of view, it’s okay that I’m rotting away inside my mind.
Because the way I see it, I’m not hurting anyone else but myself, and I don’t exist to myself. So really, I’m not hurting anyone.