Bankrolling Jane.

Ritual beatings were common in your house.

First of all, Screw you Jane Eyre. Jane, you have been my favorite classic novel heroine since 6th grade. Therefore I blame you for all my problems.

Your childhood was filled with blood and trauma. Ritual beatings were common in your house. Cartoons and Saved by the Bell were common in mine. Nobody wanted you, they told you this happily and freely. I had the uninteresting misfortune of receiving kittens and ice-cream. You can start your conversations with stories of evil nuns at boarding school, while I bore people with tales of summers in Colorado, riding horses and exploring Aspen. You grew up to be interesting and diverse; I grew up to be a simpleton. You and your boss fell madly in love and you were married at 19. The closest I ever got to a boss was at the Picture People when he told me he was leaving his wife. I don't know why he told me that, we never had any kind of romance, I was 17 and he was 40. I never saw him again.
There it is. That's the life line, my letter to Jane. It doesn't have much of an ending, but since my life doesn't have a beginning and Jane Eyre doesn't really exist, who gives a shit?

Jane Eyre might be the reason my life is so pathetic. In 6th grade after reading this novel, I came to the conclusion that I don't deserve good things without some sort of horror in my life. I'm still waiting for it. Unfortunately I had a happy childhood. Maybe growing up if someone had told me that I was unwanted and hated I'd be married to a billionaire by now. I'd be floating in the Pacific on one of my many yachts, because well, why not? After all whats the point of all those childhood beatings if you aren't going to get rewarded in the end? If my mom or dad had knocked out some of my teeth instead of buying me braces I wouldn't have to work so hard now. Random strangers would practically be begging me to take handouts, I can hear them now, "Oh that poor darling had a traumatized childhood!!! Give her millions!!!" Some dashing man with a trust fund would find me irresistible and insist on marrying me right away. At 19 years of age I would be rich, in love, and the story would end. ( Okay I'm 28 but we're going by Jane Eyre time)

Actually the book did end right after she was back with Rochester. She was 19, and her story was over. She inherited a bunch of money from a dead uncle, and we can only assume her money was being used to support the recently bankrupt Rochester.
I guess that's why they ended the story after the marriage, nobody's interested in happy wealthy women bankrolling their fellas..
I'm single and broke, with no hope of ever getting a trust fund man or a yacht. However, you're reading what I've written, so unlike that gold digger Jane Eyre I must still be interesting. Good for me, even if I was boring though I'd still have my happy memories of kittens and home made ice-cream.

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