Dear Past,

Thank you. The person that I am today would not exist without you. Though plenty of you have not been in my present life does not mean that our relationships never happened. Thanks to those who were in my life helped lead me to the semi-independent person that I currently am.
An intense (dark) feeling takes over me when you cross my mind. Each time I am never sure which shade of happiness this feeling is. All that I know is that it happened and parts of me wishes that most it didn’t.
Most of these feelings occur when I start to ponder my past high school experiences. I’ve gone to three high schools: Sparks, Reno, back to Sparks and now to Wooster. Switching in the first place to Reno from Sparks was a terrible idea because of the reason I did, to feel accepted by my (best) friends. This is hard to admit yes. But needless to say we are no longer friends, just some people that I used to ‘know’ and party with. I realized trying to stay connected with someone I have to act a certain way around, was not what I felt I needed/ should be worrying about. After sophomore year, I knew there was no way I could return to Reno, they all literally thought I was crazy; maybe punching and screaming at a locker had something to do with it. Thus, back to Sparks I went, still roaming around with my previously mentioned friends (our blow out didn’t happen until later on in my junior year). It was great the first half of the year seeing familiar ‘caring’ faces, hanging out, partying our brains out at night and getting cracked out on mass amounts of coffee the next day. Yup life seemed to be going great between making miniature top hats and killing time with Kessica Jelly (Jessica Kelly).
Things were changing and it was growing clearer when Olivia came with my mom and me in December, to Petaluma to see my Tia Tawnya. She and I had tension between us the whole way, I knew it wouldn’t get much better from there. Sure enough it didn’t (of course). We stayed a few days before we returned home. After that it had grown increasingly clearer that the giggles our relationship was once full of were no longer glorified.
In the month of February Olivia got suspended three times, one after the other all for different reasons. Each time she drew more within herself, silently crying out for help but pushing you away when you tried to reach back, after all nobody was allowed to come to her rescue. From that point on it was like we were strangers to one another, looking right through one another as we pass by in the halls.
Come March our relationship was the most mute I thought it could possibly be. Thus, I spent my time with Jennifer and Celina. The day before prom Celina and I went out to the ‘pit’, an area that I didn’t normally go out to, at lunch; but we did to just go meet up with Jennifer who was standing there talking to her boyfriend Zack and my prom date Scooby (Michael). Next thing I knew my face was getting bashed in, while I pleaded for Shea to stop, my friends at the time just watched, they claimed they all froze. They were all cowards. I found it hard to believe, but whatever. My face gushed a trail of blood all the way to the bathroom where I did my best to rinse out the gash missing from my nose-near my left eye. My friends did their best to console me but the only person that I wanted to talk to was Olivia. Jenna ran to go find her. The bitch that bashed my face in, Shea and her friend, Jackie came in to wash Shea’s knuckle (her only injury) off. The bathroom scene is a blur to me, but I do remember everyone involved agreeing not to ‘snitch’. Thus I went to Olivia’s house, since it was only a few blocks away. Mind you at that point I lost God knows how much blood before I got there.
Olivia’s Dad was there and he did his best to clean my gash up more, but at that point I was just frustrated with myself for not being able to fight back and at my so called friends who watched the whole thing then pitied me afterwards and at the thought of what life at school would be like after in the incident. I stayed there for a short period of time when I decided to go home and check on my Meme, even though I wasn’t much help because when I got home I started to cry hysterically. I still hadn’t talked to my mom, out of fear of how she’d react. Meme did her best to calm me down.
Later once I got back from my three day suspension for being attacked, School was most definitely more awkward for me, not that I didn’t find it hard before but now it had grown clearer. I still hung out with some of my friends, which included Celina and Jenna. Although as the year progressed Celina drifted. This didn’t bother me because I got to get out of the house more to spend time with Jen and her family, away from the stress at home caused by taking care of my ailing Meme. (Not that spending time with her was a bad thing, I am very proud to say that I was there for her all the way up to the end.)
Come April Jen’s brother, Duane was home for two weeks from Navy boot camp. We immediately clicked and started dating. We spent as much time with each other that we could knowing that its’ end would soon come. Sooner than we had hoped he returned back to his station. We talked on the phone as much as we were able to and Skyped when the day came to its closing. That didn’t last when he decided to go AWOL meaning that he drove himself back home to Reno. All of which I didn’t know much about, but Jennifer did. But we weren’t talking much because I told her how I really felt about her loser boyfriend.
Duane was home for a matter of days when we got a knock on the trailer, it was the police there to take him away. From that point on our relationship was less than desirable. I felt utterly alone.
Between both of my Grandmothers being in the hospital, losing all traces of friendship with the acceptation of my best friend of Natalie who has always been there for me right wrong or indifferent. Life wasn’t working in my favor at that point in my life. Needless to say both my beloved grandmother past six weeks apart and Duane and I broke up the second week into my senior year at a new school, Wooster.
Starting fresh at Wooster wasn’t what I wanted to at all. It took a long time for my mom to convince to even go. My reasoning for not wanting to go in the first place was absurd. I realize this more with each passing day that I attend school. With that I am sorry to my mom for being stubborn. But maybe everything that I have previously written was supposed to happen in order for me to grow as a person.
Now that high school is just about over, I wish that I had lived it differently from the people that I hung out with to the way that I treated people. Although I know that what’s done is done and that’s the end of. Without everything that has past I would not have grown into the strong willed and confident person that I am today. To that I say thank you Past, you served your purpose.
Signed,
Jessica

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