Watch Me Live (and Reply To An Addict)
We will be your safety net.
Watch me live in recovery
what is there to look forward to
if full recovery is not possible?
I am self destructive
and hope doesn’t exist for me
because I am an addict
My desire to use is overpowering
go to meetings…get a sponsor
the 12 Steps scare me to death
I cry out but no one hears me
isolation, deception, and lies define me
I feel despicable and worthless
Freedom is a pipe dream
this is no way to live or die
triggers are everywhere
I will not be satisfied …
until I find a way to use again
because I am an addict
I am alone and anxious
I dream of ways to find relief
I remember how it feels to be high
and nothing else matters
I don’t care about you or myself
I am an addict
You betrayed me because you love me?
that doesn’t make sense
if you love me then leave me alone
make someone else your project
if you don’t, you will be responsible
I will drain you and you will suffocate
I want that deadly potion that my soul craves
every fiber of my being wants to use
if you cage me for my own protection I will die
I don’t want to die nor do I want to live
there’s no place for me.
I am an addict
Your life will never be the same
you can watch me live or watch me die
but the choice is not yours…it is mine
it’s a death sentence either way
I see the pain in your eyes
and I know it should matter but it doesn't
I’ve used you and I've stolen your dignity
my mood dictates the tone of your day
if I’m too happy or too sad you will worry
I close my eyes to rest but you can't afford that luxury
don’t try to engage me or embrace me
I am an addict
Rage explodes and this is a war zone
I am out of control but your anger must be managed
if I sense you fear me I will use that
I will manipulate you
I am more of a threat than you could imagine
my thoughts and dreams are frightening…even to me
I’ve heard about a Higher Power
you say He’s got His hand on me?
I know I will not survive this nightmare on my own
If God has the power to take down this demon once and for all, why doesn’t He?
I am tired of fighting and I would surely surrender if He did
but God doesn’t make deals with addicts
I don’t want to live like this any longer
I long for freedom from the chains of addiction
you say He offers forgiveness and redemption
I am going under and desperate for a life line
you tell me He’ll “Lift me up on Eagle’s wings”?
if only I could believe that…I would soar
REPLY TO AN ADDICT
I understand that you feel hopeless, and we are here to gather hope and put it in safekeeping for you. It is our prayer that one day soon you will embrace the hope we’ve held onto in your stead.
Your desire to use is overpowering indeed, but the love we have for you is powerful as well, and as a gift from God, it is eternal. Our determination to protect you is firm. We are willing to go with you to your meetings until you are strong enough to go alone, but only if that's what you want. We will honor your privacy, but you must know that we will boldly and fearlessly tear down any wall that prevents us from reaching you.
We will listen to you, look beyond your rage, and remember that this is not the person we’ve known and loved…this is the addict. Your aggression is aimed at me because you trust me never to turn on you or retaliate. I must admit that there are times when sadness and frustration overwhelm me, and there is no peace to be found.
It is then that I turn to my Higher Power, the Prince of Peace, who is my comforter, my healer, my savior and my friend. I was there when you asked him to come into your heart, and even though you feel totally alone and abandoned, He has promised never to leave you, and He loves you more than words can express. Your faith has been shattered, but I hope you can find a measure of comfort in His promise to you. I've been praying for a holy hedge of thorns to surround you and protect you.
You have found a sponsor and he has our full support. He will advise and counsel you and guide you through the 12 Steps. The walk will be long and arduous, and often painful, but the 12 Steps will provide you with the tools you’ll need to survive. I won’t tell you there is nothing to fear. You will stumble, and even freefall…but we will be your safety net. I agree that you are self destructive, and until you learn to use your coping tools, we will focus on doing whatever it takes to keep you alive.
You say that you feel despicable and worthless, but nothing could be further from the truth. You are precious and worth more than you could possibly know. This is an illness…one that could take your life in a heart beat…and as strong as we are, we would be devastated if things went badly, and there was something we could have done to help you, and for some reason it was left undone.
Your words are harsh and they cut like a blade, but we know your heart. We're not angry with you for acting out, any more than we would be angry with you for acting out because of any other horrific disease. We are here to protect you and to bring you back from the dark place where you’ve been existing. There is a gaping hole in our lives that only you can fill and we're saving that place for you. We miss you and we desperately want you back. There is a place for you here.
It’s because you are so loved that we cannot leave you alone. You are our project and our first priority until there is closure… everything else can wait. We take full responsibility for you…it is a choice we've made. You can’t drain us, nor will we suffocate. Our well runs deep and our air supply is endless.
You say our lives will never be the same, and that may be true…but not for the reasons you think. Because of you, my relationship with God has been enriched, and my faith has increased exponentially. Because of you my circle of friends has expanded, including your family as well as the many parents and loved ones of teen addicts I’ve met at the support group. Getting to know your NA sponsor has been an amazing experience as well. I am so encouraged by his story of addiction, recovery, and redemption. If anyone can reach you, he can do it…with a message of freedom from the chains of addiction through the 12 Step program.
The deadly potion that your soul craves is a liar. You’ve said that this is just the way you are…but it goes much deeper than that. This is not just bad behavior…but it is a physical and psychological addiction. You’ve been deceived into thinking that you are bad. Your body craves the chemicals but I believe that your soul craves God, and a relationship with Him. Without your Higher Power you are powerless.
Your rage and your threats do not scare us. They only strengthen our resolve to bring you back. We long for a return to joy. I look forward to your spontaneous laughter in my home once again. You absolutely cannot survive this nightmare on your own. God is able to take down this demon once and for all, but He is waiting for you to reach out to Him and then you must let God be God. I know He has His hand on you and He has an awesome plan for your life. But He only has a best plan…there is no second best…no plan B, and who would want that anyway? God doesn’t make deals with any of us…period! But He does offer forgiveness, redemption, and a life free of addiction.
The choice to live or die is yours…you have free will. Yes, there are triggers everywhere…but you can learn how to step around those landmines. I have already agreed to stand by you no matter which you choose. If you choose life, we will celebrate. If you do not choose life we will mourn you, remember you, and celebrate the beautiful soul that is yours.
I pray that you will choose life, and that you will reach out to the Creator of the Universe, the one who knows you by name, and ask for that forgiveness, redemption and abundant life that he offers. Indeed, it is then that you will be lifted up on eagles’ wings, and we will be there to watch you soar!
I have been mentoring a sixteen year old addict for the past year and a half. I've gone to NA meetings and support groups with him, and I've talked at length with my young friend and others about drug and alcohol addiction. There are so many variables and no hard and fast rules, except for one. That is that addiction destroys lives.