Things Can Only Get Better

My dad was diagnosed with malignant melanoma when I was 13 years old.
He was given six months to live. Six years later, he's still alive.
Would it have been better for him to die?
His brain is slowly deteriorating. He doesn't remember things. He's 55, I'm 20.
My mom loses her hair when she's stressed, which is always.
I feel like I've lost both of my parents.
I thought things could only get better.

My family moved when I was 14.
I started dating someone who appeared to be the perfect catch.
I thought I was happy with him.
We dated for three years.
He was a drug addict, a dealer and a great liar.
I loved him.
He loved my body and told me he loved me.
He never loved me.
He ended our relationship.
He told me he never cared about me.
Sadly this was harder to hear than my dad's death sentence.
I thought things could only get better.

Two months after we broke up, one of my best friends growing up was hit by a drunk driver as she was crossing the street.
She was pronounced brain dead and doctors disconnected her life support.
I kept thinking, things can only get better.

That summer, I was in a car accident.
My car flipped three times.
While I was flying through the air, in slow motion, I was sure I was about to die.
I didn't.
But my ability to deal with anything did.
Things could only get better, right?

I let guys use me.
I thought this could help to get my mind off other things.
It made me feel worse.
I was in a dark place.
I would stay awake all night, staring at my ceiling, unable to breathe because of anxiety.
I only wanted to lay in that bed.
To listen to Radiohead and feel their pain and mine as well.
I thought things would never get better.

After being bribed by my grandfather, I went to see a Psychiatrist.
I cried.
I felt something.
I had emotions.
I was prescribed medication.
I was scared to be dependent on a substance, but it has helped stabilize me.
Things are finally getting better.

My dad is still here.
I love him more than I ever loved my ex.
I smile now and I mean it.
I am happy.
I am positive.
Things are better.


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