I wish

I wish you two could see the pain you’ve scarred me with. This pain can never be removed as it sits on my heart pushing it down, crushing it, but still leaving me alive. I’ve told you over and over again that i’m not okay. Your accident really fucked me up. I’ve gotten a grip on myself again since March, but I’m still hurting inside and I will always hurt, but you don’t seem to understand that maybe if we talk about what you did and that day, that I could feel better. You know I still feel it is my fault. Had I stayed in the car with you and made sure you got home okay my life would have never changed. I blame you as well, because you’re the one that lost control of your pills, and you’re the one that legally should NOT have been driving that morning. I wish you could see what I was like that day. That beautiful spring day in the middle of march that contains my darkest memory and changed my life forever. I wish you could see how I was when Sarah told me what had happened. I wish you could see me leaning on the wall then just dropping to the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face, all in a matter of seconds. I wish you could see me struggling to breathe as I mentally grasp what happened and all that is to come in the future, but you cant see any of it. You don’t even remember my childhood and what you put me through. I loath you for that. You don’t have to remember the terrible things that I am left to remember for the rest of my life that I wish I could forget, and all of those memories were because of you and dad.

At the end of last year I got into some shit. The most satisfying thing out of all the things I did was seeing you realize that maybe you fucked up as a parent, because I was smoking cigarettes and skipping class every day. You think we are the greatest daughters and that you and dad did the best job raising us, but in reality we were lost souls wondering, desperately trying to understand why mommy and daddy were fighting. Why daddy packed his bags and left. Why we were blamed for your guys’ mistakes. Why mommy was taking more pills. Why mommy couldn’t stay away or finish a sentence. and most of all Why mommy and daddy hated us so much. You two failed, we are the ones that succeeded. We are the ones that manged to learn right from wrong. Most of all we learned how to be good people. We learned this by realizing how much you and dad hurt us, and how you always said when we were young that daddy is a bad dad. and dad would always tell us mommy has lost herself in some bad things. You both showed us what bad is, and from that we found the good. So don’t take credit for our achievements.

It bothers me that you grounded me for being in old town last night, when you said I could go. We got home around 9:45 which isn’t that late, but most of all you never gave us a time to get home. The reason being, because you were in a rush to leave. You’re always gone, and i’m use to it. I am because you were never there when I was a child, but when you tell me I have to stay home with no food, no money, and no transportation while you go off and do whatever. I understand my grandma is in the hospital and you have been helping her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still live my life, just because you can’t live yours. When you are home your screaming at us and yelling. You’re never happy, you’re depressed and I can’t take it anymore. You say we don’t do anything to help you, and when you say that I literally just want to cry and scream at the same time. You don’t remember the shit I went through to help you out back in March. I had to restrain myself from having a mental break down because I felt obligated to save your life.

I spent weeks after your accident controlling your pills, and listening to you say the cruelest things to me whenever I said no. As a daughter it slowly but surely beat me down, and destroyed me inside. Everything I had to see those last few months of school. The responsibilities I had to take on that no teen or child should EVER have. It’s sick actually what I went through, and everyone has seemed to forget it all. So ground me for being out on a school night, I don’t give a DAMN! because if I grounded you for all of the SHIT mistakes you’ve made in your life, then you’d have a one way ticket to hell. Yeah i’m a teen and I need to learn from my mistakes. How have you and dad not seen by now that mistakes I make are guaranteed to never happen again, because they are accidents. I don’t do this shit purposely and to be honest I don’t think I did anything wrong. I went out on a school night. I left at 6 and came home at 9. You called me screaming at me to get home, but you never even gave me a warning. If you had told me to be home in 20 minutes I would’ve, but telling me to get home now, fuck that.

What bothers me about the whole thing is I sit in my room for hours at a time, days even and you and dad never even bother to say hi. You two are never home, and you yell at me for just going out. I spent 4 hours on homework before I left and when I told you that you said you didn’t care. Then don’t fucking tell me that school is the most important thing! Don’t yell at me when I get a D, especially when I get NO acknowledgement when I get an A. I yold you that I just needed a break and that’s why I went out yesterday and you said I can have a break at home. NO I FUCKING CANT. Whenever I am home you are screaming and yelling and slamming doors, and I’m always home. I need to get away. I just need to get out of here every now and then so I don’t go insane.

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