I wrote this months ago, and it is the most emotional thing i've ever written. It's called "Why do you do this to me?"
It seems like no matter how bad you want to change and fix things you just give up on yourself. It kills me to see you, because everytime I do I can’t help, but feel like i’m going to loose you. Like God is going to take you away from me, but you feel like you don’t have the strength to change. Right now as I type this I heard you yell “I Try to better myself”. I know you do mom, but when you go around and decode my safe, that makes me realize how much this has taken a toll on your life. I don’t know how to help you. It’s been 15 years and i’ve never seen you live without depending on them, and it’s my dream to see you break free from them.
You’re so much stronger than you know and it seems like not even I can help you see that. I need you in my life, I need to know that you love me, that someone loves me. But no matter how many times you tell me you love me, it’s hard for me to believe it, because it’s not you telling me. Atleast it’s not really you. You get so defensive when we are disappointed, and in pain, but you don’t realize you’re the cause of it and all we want to do is help you. We aren’t trying to attack you or throw it in your face, I just want to know my mom will live long enough to be at my wedding. I love you more than anything on this planet and beyond. I can’t loose you. I won’t let it happen.
You betrayed me, but I know if you had control you wouldn’t have done it. You destroyed my childhood with the help of dad, and I know you regret every second you breathe, but we can’t go back and change it now. We can change the future though, and I need your help. I know you want help, and I know you can’t do it alone. I wish that dad could be a supportive husband and be by yourside, but he’s not. Instead he takes away all of your freedwom and leaves you with nothing. I know that he doesn’t love us, and I know he does everything for his own benifit. But I also know that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again, and to help you and the family. I will do what dad won’t, and I will protect us for as long as we live. I know it’s not my job, and you get mad, because it’s not normal for a teen to be thinking like I do and taking on responsibilties like I do, but if you have faith in me and let me do this no matter how wrong it is I promise this will be the best thing that will ever happen in my life.
I’m scarred from my childhood, and I blame you and dad for it. The things you made me wittness that you aren’t even aware of kill me, but I want to change this family and redeem you, even if it’s not my job. Mom I can’t live without you. I really can’t. if I lost you who knows what I would do. Just a few weeks ago the worst thing I ever experienced happened. You drove us to school and I knew it would end bad. You dropped us off and you knew I was worried so you said “If it makes you feel better I will text you when I get home.” so I said “yes please”. I went through 1st period. No text. then 3rd period. I texted you saying “are you okay?” no response. Mom you never texted me back and that was the worst thing I had ever felt. I called sarah to see if you got home safely. she said “why do you want to know if mom got home?” I said “I just want to make sure she got home safe” then sarah said the most painful thing i’d ever hear in my life. “Well she didn’t come home. She’s at the hospital. She fell asleep at the wheel and drove across the median into the other lane and hit another car head on.” Mom can you imagine the pain I felt!? Please understand what that did to me. For as long as I live nothing could ever hurt me more than that day. I love you so much and I knew something was going to happen. I blamed myself, because something told me to stay in the car and make sure you got home okay. But I didnt listen to myself and for that I had to pay by the most life changing thing I will ever go through.
If you could imagine the pain I live with because of you. My childhood memories. I cry everytime the song “I’m already there” by Lonestar comes on, because I remember the night when it first played on the radio and us kids as well as you were all up in Sarahs room. That night you told us “Whenever you hear this song think of me, because no matter where I am I will always be with you” I remember asking “even if your in heaven?” and you said “yes i’ll be watching over you.” The next fucking morning I woke up and no one was home. You were gone! I was 8 years old and my mommy wasn’t in her bed when I went to find her. My dad comes home to tell us you are in the hospital, for another incident. Do you know what that did to me? The things I had to see, because of you! The pain I walk with every day that I have to hide. I have to act like nothings wrong, because no one knows my story, and the pain i suffer.
On top of all of this. You are the most important thing to me. I would jump infront of a car for you. I’ve told you this so many times, but I will say it again. I feel it is my duty, my job to protect you. I will never give up on you. I have faith you can fight your demon and get control of your life, even if you don’t. After the car accident a few weeks ago you just sat in bed crying. At first I was so mad I couldn’t see you, but then I realized you needed me so I walked down stairs into your room. This was so hard for me, because the last thing I wanted to do was see you, but yet that’s all I wanted to do. I walked into your room and you were crying to Sarah. The words you said broke my heart. I wanted to be strong, because that’s what i’ve always been in this family. Strong. When everyone else falls apart I stay strong so you guys have comfort and support. So when you were crying I hid my tears, but I was crying as well. The words you said will never leave my mind “I’m sorry.” “I didn’t mean to” “Will atleast you two forgive me if no one else does?” “please dont give up on me” “I need you guys” “I need you’re help, I cant do this alone” “please believe in me”. You repeated these words while crying for hours which turned into days.
That night you and I sat down and I asked you what you were willing to do to change this and fix what you’d done. You said anything. So I said flush them. And you said you would, but…. Then I finished your sentence saying “your scared”.. you let that sink in then you nodded your head and said yes. That night is when everything changed. You let me control them and hold on to them, so that this wouldn’t happen again. You were doing so well, and we all make mistakes, but when you break into my safe like you just did, it makes me wonder how much you are willing to change. I love you more than life itself. I pray for you everynight. I pray that you wont have to suffer anymore and that you can get control of this demon. But most of all I pray that you can find happiness. That I can see you genuinly happy for once in my life, without you worrying about something in the back of your mind. I will always be by your side. Remember this. I’m already there. Take a look around. I’m the sunshine in your hair, the shadow on the ground. The whisper in the wind and i’ll be there til the end. And I know that i’m in your prayers. Oh i’m already there <3 and I always will be mom, I love you