Memoirs of a Crazy Bastard: Memo 3: Don't come out of the closet unless you have some fabulous to wear

just because I'm beautiful, don't think I won't take this bottle of Heaven Hill vodka and break it across his face," he sat his cocktail glass down and poured another drink as I sat there laughing until I couldnt breath, then he took a sip then said, "don

The world today has become a very gay place. Now a person can take the word gay in two different ways -- gay as in happy, or gay as in homosexuality. Well today we’re talking about homosexuals. Okay, lets say it all together now h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s. Gay men can be stratified into 4 basic categories; masculine, feminine, flamboyant, and bi-curious. Now this paper might seem very discriminatory, but as a gay man, I’ve just noticed these recurring patterns in the gay community, and I feel I can talk about these things from an insider’s perspective.

First up is the masculine homosexual. The masculine gay guy looks like a typical jock. They are the guys who played the "real" sports in high school, and just exuded straightness from their pores. These are the guys every girl wishes weren't gay, and for the most part, most people don’t know they are. They are usually in the closet because if they were to be found out, they would lose all credibility of their man-hood per se. The masculine gay guys even manage to avoid the best gaydars {the ability to detect other homos by body language, appearance or just guy instinct}, and still most wouldn't believe they were gay unless it came from the horses mouth. Now, we all know we always want what we cant have, so the gay community puts these "straight" gays on a pedestal because its the closet thing to having a real straight guy. So let’s just say the masculine guy is in this season.

Next we have our feminine gays. These are the ones that are obviously gay, and really don't care if everyone knows. They are usually outfitted with rainbow accessories, and will always have their loyal fag hag {a fags best friend, that’s usually a fat, jovial girl} close behind them. You can't split a fag hag and her gay boy for anything; they go everywhere together, even to the bathroom. These are the homosexuals that are usually comfortable with themselves, and are out; they are the people that everyone knew was gay in high school, but they never came out and just said it. Now sometimes it’s easy to confuse a feminine gay male, and a meterosexual male. They both groom and dress themselves very well, and will not leave the house without looking their best. So this causes a lot of confusion and arguments between gay men. There is always a debate about if a guy is gay just because he's a metro sexual, and who's going to make a move on him to find out.

Now lets go on to the fabulous, flamboyant gays. These people are the life of any party, and always have an entourage of fag hags behind them. These are the guys who sometimes wish to become girls, or they just like to play in women’s clothing. This group should really be called the Queens of the gays. They are the drag queens, the drama queens, queen of the hags, and they can out cook, out decorate, and out garden Martha Stewart in a heartbeat. The Queens are the ones that have the balls to actually do drag, and walk with a confident stride, and an arrogant grin. Their role models are usually Cher, Barbara, Madonna, Tina, Whitney and Mariah, and they usually know every word to every CD that those artists have ever put out. They also know every dance step to those entire artists live concert DVD. Also, don't ever underestimate a flamboyant gay man they are usually the first to throw fist if someone attacks them or their friends, and they fight to win. My friend Elliot told me once, "just because I'm beautiful, don't think I won't take this bottle of Heaven Hill vodka and break it across his face," he sat his cocktail glass down and poured another drink as I sat there laughing until I couldn’t breath, then he took a sip then said, "Don’t worry faggot we’ll pray about it in the morning."

Last and leastly (I know its not a word) we come to the bi-curious gay guys. They're on the Bi now, gay later plan. They're the guys who have done things with guys, but will swear to the death that they didn't or they were drunk. These are the straight men that will live their lives with their wife and kids, or girlfriend, but as long as no one finds out, will jump in the bed with a gay guy before you can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. In my opinion being bisexual has more to do with the sex part of it than anything else. In the wise words of my roommate Alan, being bisexual is just lazy, if a person can't get sex from one sex then they have the option to go the other...and dont leave your hair in the sink it clogs up the drains. The bi guy is an epidemic in the gay community. They lead the gay men on, and then they go back to women whenever they feel like. The gay community is tired of it, either stick with a chick, or get by with a guy. There is no in-between.

Sadly I must draw this gay paper to an end. I hope the readers of this had a gay ol time, and now have a better understanding of the gay community, and its diversity. The final note is don't be afraid or discriminatory toward gay people because you may end up a fag hag.

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