I just want to cry

I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to cry.

It's inside me, trying to get out. This great well of sadness, of despair; poisoning the well. It needs to come out.

I've tried laying on the floor and can feel it there, a heavy dead weight inside me. I've tried staring out of the window and it remains. Maybe I should watch a sad movie? The end of Amelie always does it... that level of despair she feels when she's in her kitchen imagining the man she loves has just swooshed the curtain over the door... and then it happens; but it's not him, it's the cat.

Everything seems to get in the way. Responsibilities distract, music distracts, the need to eat and bright lights distract. They take me away from the feeling I have that I just need to let this out.

And when I do, it only happens briefly. It only comes out a little at a time, the pressure is relieved for a brief time and I feel better, but not for long.

I have a headache, perhaps from watching the world go by with my head against the tram window this afternoon, probably more from sitting in this chair at an odd angle.

Another distraction. Another way of avoiding this.

I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to cry.

I must allow myself to cry.

I just want to cry. Please.


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