Blink and it is All Over

No hopes, no dreams, no regrets...

I'll have been alive for 19 years in 14 days and I have nothing to show for it but a surmounting heap of debt and denial piled atop of my head. Every year, every second, I will myself to become better, stronger, and with every second another regret is added to the ever ongoing list. It becomes my daily ritual to find little reminders of my screw-ups in every day life so I can mule over them like a mantra, desperately trying to repent. I've only succeeded in bringing them forth in my mind, so that every face I pass is another judging stare. It isn't even as though I've done much with my life, it is only that from what I have done I've managed to thoroughly mangle somehow. I live on the motto: no hopes, no dreams, no regrets; that is, if I do not dream, have no hopes, then I will have nothing to regret when the day is finished. It is a flawed philosophy, however, because every breath I take is motivated by the sheer chance that I may discover that which I have been so blindly seeking. I have few friends, and those I do have I feel are separated from me by a great chasm of things they can never understand. I think, "If only I can find something that I am good at, something that makes me special, then they will accept me despite my flaws." The only thing they accept is the fact that I am strange, prone to longing and depression. It is true; I am strange. My life, to this point, has been a pursuit of similarity. I've been looking for just one person I can open my heart to, a person to understand. Is there such a person? Lord knows I've tried reaching out and, with wild abandon, declaring a person as the person I've been waiting for. Boys who claim they love me, who don't even know me, I've broken their hearts, every one of them, because I could not feel... anything. Nothing at all. I am stone. The person I am waiting for is the chisel that can destroy me, if they cannot break through my stony exterior. They will destroy me if there is nothing under the rubble but more rubble. I hope there is a hidden part of me, locked deep inside, that is still able to feel, even if it is pain.


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