Divorce but not devastated

The start of my journey

One of the most important times in my life was when I got married in 1997. I had waited so long! It was like a dream come true. It was therefore very disappointing when five years later and with two children it ended in divorce.

For a year or two I suffered in silence the emotional and then physical abuse, I prayed and hoped that things will change; instead they got worse. I lost my self esteem and confidence. I would not look in a full length mirror as I felt useless, ugly and worthless based on the nasty things that I had allowed one individual to pollute my mind with.

I had a dream
One night as I went to sleep I had the most amazing dream! I was a bird in a cage, and all of a sudden a hand opened the door of the cage and said in a soothing voice “you are free! Fly away,” I found myself flying high up the blue skies, the voice kept saying…”keep on flying , go as high as you can , you are free”. When I woke up I started to cry as I was very overwhelmed, I then decided to file for divorce.

Effects of divorce on the children and I
This was not an easy decision as the consequences during the process were at times unbearable. One day I even felt like running away with the children to a place where no one will know us so that we could start life again. Going though divorce is a journey; and if you will let divorce work for you instead of against you, you will arrive at your destination a new, whole and beautiful person. Divorce chisels away our masks and our pride, making us take a good look at who we really are. You have to take time to heal in your own time. It means a period of time in which you must be patient with yourself while you heal. You have to stop concentrating on what you don’t have and begin thinking about what you do have and be grateful, because you are alive, which means you can make it

It was not an easy time for me, as around the same month, I was made redundant from my job, the house was going to be repossed, I had a huge amount of debts, my ex was harassing men and I had two toddlers to look after and I just could no make ends meet.

It was a very stressful time for me, I had my belief that God would help me through; my mum especially was very helpful. If it was not for my strong faith in God and my supportive network, I don’t think I would have been here by now. I believed that all things worked together for the good for those who believed. I also believe that God does not give you more than you can cope with.

Many times I felt overwhelmed and alone. The children and I had suffered a massive psychological wallop. They are thrown upon a parent who has to be both father and mother to them. There are times when you long to “go-off-duty” for a while. Decisions had to be made and I knew that I did not have the wisdom to make them. There is much to be done, and you have no time and energy to do it. There isn’t enough money for the necessities. It seemed like everything and everyone was against us. It's as though we were alone against the world, and so our life became one of surviving rather than living.

I began to understand that it is not our thinking that creates our circumstances, but the emotion that is attached to our thoughts. I truly believe in the statement “ If you BELIEVE it, you will LIVE it.”

When I sit back now I wonder how I managed to get through without breaking down; there have been times when I felt like giving up; when I felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. You wake up one day and feel all right, yet the next you feel as if the world is going to cave in. You project this image to the outside world that all is well, but when you are in your own house behind close doors you feel very miserable.

When I look back now, I realise that things happen in life for a reason. I realise that I kept going because of my strong faith, support from my family, friends, and choosing to use my experience to help others by training to become life coach.

I could go on now and recall every bad thing in detail that happened to me; but I choose not to, as I believe that there is no point in relieving the old story. It is time for me to tell a new story, which is full of inspiration and a hope for a better future.

Where I am now
Now I have been able to share my story and help others who are going through or have been divorced. I trained as a life coach, regained my confidence and with the help of my children and famly and friends, I have been able to rebrand myself as Confidence Queen as well as being able to use my pain to be a gain to others.

Achievments in 2010
Confidence Queen on BBC RADIO KENT
I also want to thank especially my local BBC radio Kent as it is always great to listen to the shows and get inspiration. My favourites this year are John Warnett and Clare Mcdonnell, Pat Marsh, Julia George, Mat Davison, Mathew Davies. It was also on one of the sturdy shows, where I first sang my fun Confident Queen songs, which was later made into a Jingle.

Confidence Queen on BBC 2 GENUIS
Thanks to the producers and presenter Dave Gorman of BBC 2 GENIUS, who gave e the opportunity to be part of the show and being voted a GENUIS for my confidence song and dance routine?

Confidence Queen on Film for the Media Trust
I felt privilege to be selected to be part in the film documentary by media Trust for the project DAPHNE, were I spoke about moving on after domestic abuse

Confidence Queen Nominated and received Awards

Life Changer’s Award 2010
I thank Sheri and all her team at Life changers for my award for “Best Development and Initiative Award” in 2010.

Barclays Bank Trading Places Award 2010
Confidence Queen was nominated as one of the Top 100 businesses in Barclays Bank Trading Places award 2010. The Awards recognise individuals with an inspiring story to tell and whose grit and determination has turned tragedy into triumph.

Confidence Queen Speaking Engagement
I felt honored to be a guest speaker at events organized by North Kent Police, Widows rendez vous, Black History Celebrations, Life changers awards, International women’s event, Asian summer ball, Saheli writers celebrations.

Charity events
I felt great to have been able to contribute in ant bullying week and March, Gingerbread campaign Let's lose the labels and “You’re Brilliant” and Breast cancer awareness.

Aim for 2011
My aim is to get the fun confident song and dance routine I made up, professionally produces with a fun DVD where I can feature people dressed in fun custumes singing and dancing to my "Be Confident Song". It would be great to make the song available word wide in different languages as this will help me with my aim of making sure people can develop the gift of confidence, laughter and fun.


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