When living becomes surviving

I had been happy when I was younger, but there was always something missing. Then I had a best friend and she decided she'd teach me things. She taught me what to do if I had a boyfriend, and showed me what he would do. I was only six years old. I didn't tell anyone. Then years later eighth grade came along. I felt a void that couldn't be filled but I realized that pain took my mind off of everything. I cut myself with anything: pocketknife, stone, paper clip, safety pin. I still didn't tell anyone. One night I decided I had had enough and I planned my suicide. I put music on and decided to do it. Then, I listened. Songs played that had such meaningful lyrics. Songs that I had memories of, that meant something to me & my friends. I thought about leaving my best friends and realized how selfish that would truly be. I didn't kill myself, and it felt like I had survived something for once in my life. I still hurt though, so to dull out my emotions it was back to self-injury. No one really knew at first, but then one of my newer best friends noticed. She started checking my wrists every day so I moved to my ankles. She didn't notice, and I refused to tell. I went on with this through my sophomore year in high school. I discovered TWLOHA before then, but it was just so difficult to believe that people cared. So again, I didn't tell anyone and I didn't stop. But I met people soon after that changed my life. Junior year I slipped up a few times, made myself hurt just to remember how it felt. It wasn't right though, it felt like I was betraying myself. To Write Love On Her Arms honestly saved me. I still considered suicide on and off after my first survival, but hearing that someone cares meant the world. A stranger who worked for this organization I didn't know very well. He told me he cared. That a lot of people care about me. That God cares about me. I couldn't tell Jamie my story that day, but I tell it now. I've always wanted to thank him. Music saved my life, but he saved me from myself. I will always have such a huge amount of love for him because he was brave enough to do the same for me. I'm a senior in high school now, and it's been about a year since I've made myself bleed. It's one of the best feelings in the world, and I owe it all to the people that cared.


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