She never understood me when I picked up the knife thinking I wanted to kill myself never realizing she was my target. Frantically she pleaded with me to unlock the bathroom door my prison protecting me from an act of matricide. Or maybe she did know and in her crazed notion of motherhood was saying yes yes kill me that's how much I love you.
I couldn't do this while he was alive let him know how much I hated him thinking he might know because he hated everyone and might know the look of it. He thought he loved me and he did as long as I towed the line but if I crossed him that was it forever for he had no bridge back when he hated and I had to swallow my own hatred and give that to him. I stabbed myself before I let him know for that never brought forth his pity only his certainty that he'd been right all along. What's the use of talking he said if you can't change someone's mind. Once he asked if I'd been happy growing up and I wondered if he had some niggling self doubt but of course said yes what would it get after all these years and then he'd have to hear secrets about mommy and there goes the house of cards and he had nothing else so I said yes yes I said maybe a little upset just to sound more real and yes I was happy and how about him with his parents did he love grandma. why not he answered as if he never screamed and slammed down the phone on her as I listened flinching. Now he's dead and I can breathe