contradiction

my life in a nutshell

when i saw younger i got in trouble for thinking i knew everything.
since im older, i now get in trouble for not knowing enough.

when i was younger, i thought the only way to learn was through school.
since im older, i now know that school teaches you nothing compared to the lectures of life.

when i was younger, i thought i was going to marry my next door neighbor.
we would play together, run around together, share secrets, ride the bus, go to eachothers birthday parties, he was the ultimate playmate.
since im older, i've realized there are plenty of boys who will participate in those activities...for a price of something your not willing to give up.
and since im older, i realized that if the boy you are with is willing to participate in those fun games without expecting something in return, then he is who you have been looking for.
i've learned that yes, that is how rare that type of guy is.

when i was younger, my 2 best friends in elementary school and i got into an argument and neither of them talked to me for a long time.
my dad came in my room and told me "you have to let them go, if they don't come back, it wasn't meant to be...but they should come back."
since im older, my best friend has jumped off the deep end with all of her new friends, since we were in the 6th grade, every month she needed a new friend, i was never good enough. yet, i still keep my fathers words close to my heart...in case she does decide to ever come back.

when i was younger, i saw the world from below. everything was so much larger than i, so much more beautiful.
since im older,everything is still much more beautiful than i, but i've got an aerial view and a front row spot this time, just enough for it to rub in my face.

when i was younger, i took gymnastics. i tried for 5 years to get a back hand spring, when it takes the average girl 5 months.
since im older, i see that God was obviously trying to tell me to stop wasting my time. i've made one cheerleading squad which i hated, and i would have never been happy surrounded by the girls that infest that area of highschool.

when i was younger, i believed that i walked with Jesus. i thought that if i stared at the clouds long enough, he would just begin to float down towards me. i would jump on the trampoline trying to get closer. one night, i even brought him to dinner and literally saved him a spot next to me.
since im older, i still have that outlook. i do not wait for Jesus in church, i wait for him in the halls, i wait for him to go online on Facebook, i wait for him to come on the radio and sing to me. whether its a personal problem, physical, emotional, a problem for my friend, a loss of words, i look for him everywhere to know what to do next. to know what to believe. to know how to feel. to know what to expect. i look for him before i go to sleep when i close my eyes, and i look for him still when i see a cloud.

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