Tied together with a smile, coming undone.

They said it was a miracle I survived.

I grew up in a loving Christian home, things were fine. I was in public school until middle school when we switched to a Christian school. Ironically, this is when things went downhill. I gained friends once i was is seventh grade; it took a year. I started acting out in eighth grade. That year was absolute hell. I was depressed, so I did what my best friend did- I cut. From then on, if I managed to go one day without five more scars added to my arms, it was a complete miracle. No one knew. I swore ever few words, I drank, I looked to guys for comfort in the wrong ways & ended up with broken heart after broken heart. My parents found out a month into my freshman year. I had to go to meetings with my pastor, couldn't close my door & I wasn't allowed to hang out with my best friend. I was lost. Then my brothers best friend came into the picture. He made me feel whole and I finally stopped cutting. He broke my heart & it was worse than ever. That was my first suicide attempt. I didn't eat. Then my anxiety kicked in. Every day I had one or more attacks. My parents wouldn't believe me. They got up to the point where I was passing out in the school bathrooms. I didn't tell anyone. My ex got a girlfriend. He cheated with me & then he ended it again. My second suicide attempt. More and more cutting. He still had a girlfriend and we got even more serious. She found out. Third attempt at suicide. This one landed me in the hospital. They said it was a miracle I survived. I had to go to an outpatient program. I was diagnosed with anxiety and chronic depression. My parents wouldn't let me take the prescribed medicine. I was discharged. We went on vacation and things got worse and worse. My parents don't care enough to see how much I'm hurting. I wake up every morning hoping that today will be my last. I need help. I need to feel alive. I need something.

Comments

JStan says,

Even though I don't know you, I care that you live. You are loved, don't ever forget that. Life will get better, dark periods always pass. I hope you find what you are looking for, or that you find something even better than you could possibly dream of.

cyggystardust says,

You are at an age where this seems like all there is, and all there ever will be. It isn't true. Just hold on and keep going and trust that you will one day look back and smile, grateful for your courage and perserverance. Good luck to you!

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