A Rough Start With a Picture Perfect Ending

He told me that he loves me, but he can't be with me if I can't even be with myself.

When I was 5, my parents sat me and my older brother down and told us that mom was pregnant. We were going to have another little brother or sister. We were really excited and started helping them decorate the nursery and helped my mom non-stop around the house to make it easier on her.
She went into labour one day when I was home from school. I had to call my dad at work to tell him and got to be the big helper with everything.
That day, my life changed drastically.
My mom suffered from severe Post Partum Depression. There were some days when she didn't even get out of bed. I became the new mommy for the baby. I fed him and bathed him, changed his diapers and played with him... I was doing all of the duties of a twenty something year old mother at 6 years old. This went on for 2 years.
My parents would fight all of the time about it. They came so close to breaking up that my dad told her, if she didn't go to the doctor and get some help, he was going to take us (the kids) and leave.
She was diagnosed with Manic Depression. A few weeks later, my grandfather was found dead in the house that my mom grew up in. We hadn't spoken to him in years because he decided that cocaine and alcohol were more important to him than his family. He was there for 10 days before anyone found him. He had fallen into the bath tub trying to clean his pants because he had soiled himself when he passed out. This caused his rib to break which punctured his lung.
Everything in the room he was in was garbage. Once it was cleaned out, my mom and aunts went over to clean out the house. There were literally thousands of bottles that lined the boulevard of his entire street for recycling pick-up. I still have that image in my head.
My mom went onto Paxil to help with her depression. Everything seemed so much better! She was smiling and laughing and a loving mom again.
When I was 12, the dark thoughts started in my head. I had planned my suicide for every different situation that could happen. I would lay there on my bed, looking at the ceiling thinking, "If (blank) happens, I'll hang myself." "If (blank) happens, I'll slit my wrists". I didn't know that thinking like that wasn't healthy or remotely normal.
I then learned the "beauty" of pain. I would cut myself up so badly that I would have panic attacks because I couldn't stop the bleeding. No one knew. My friends, my family, my teachers... everyone thought I was this happy little girl who loved soccer and spending time with her friends.
I tried to tell my best friend the thoughts that were going through my head, and she just was more interested and almost, intrigued by all of my cuts and scars. She'd start our conversations by saying "which new ones do you have today?". I stopped talking to her about my problems, and stopped showing her my wounds, and she just forgot about it. I never tried to talk to anyone about it again. Turns out I have Manic Depression too (not to be diagnosed, until 4 years later)... like mother like daughter.
I had never had a boyfriend by this point. I was really insecure because all of my friends had at least already been kissed! I mean, why couldn't I find a boy that wanted to kiss me? A girl should have her first kiss by 14, at least!
I started going onto internet chat lines. I didn't care who I talked to, I just wanted to feel attractive and wanted. I would flash guys on webcam and exchange photos with them. My other dirty little secret that no one knew about. I loved having guys (old or young) excited to see me come online. It seemed like they cared about me...
Meanwhile, my best friend started dating this guy that I had kind of liked. I had asked her "If you guys break up, can I date him?" She didn't like that too much. We stopped being friends for almost 2 years because I wanted a boyfriend so badly.
Well, my friend and this guy broke up, and I started dating him. We were together for 4 years. At the time, he seemed amazing. We had so much fun and spent all of our time together. He gave me my first kiss... my first everything.
In the 3rd year, I started to notice a huge shift in his personality. He went from being this guy who loved hanging out with friends to this guy that refused to spend time with anyone but me. If I wanted to hang out with friends, I was given a huge guilt trip about it. "I'll be so bored without you here!" was the main complaint I would get. So, like him, I cut my friends out too and only hung out with him, because it was better than constant guilt trips I was put on.
I was getting more miserable with him by the day and had finally had enough. I broke up with him on Christmas Eve. He tried to give me a diamond necklace, but I didn't want it because I didn't think it was fair to him, because I had been thinking about breaking up with him for a few months already.
On New Years Eve, we got back together, mainly because he wouldn't leave me alone while we were "apart" for that one week. We went on a weekend trip together and tried to get things back to the way that they were when we started dating. 4 months later, I broke up with him again. I just couldn't do it. I was way too miserable with him.
I started hanging out with a guy from my past. We had kind of dated a bit (as much as two 14 year olds can date). We had called eachother boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing really happened with it.
He was my rebound guy. I felt safe with him because I knew him already and had always kind of wondered, "what if" with him. We started hanging out, ususally really late at night (which caused many problems with my parents). We would make out and fool around, which quickly lead to sex. After a while, it seemed that was all that he wanted from me. I never really thought anything of it because, after all, I did really miss my boyfriend.
We would text all of the time. Talk about how much we liked eachother and how much we wanted to hang out. We'd always make plans, but they were always canceled with a "maybe tomorrow" right after. He loved to get drunk and do drugs with his friends. He had been a morophine addict in the past, which started when he broke his arm. I knew this, and even with my sore past with being abandoned for drugs... I kept hoping that, maybe tomorrow, I'd get to see him.
When we did hang out, he wanted sex. We would sit in his parent's basement "watching a movie" and that is all that he wanted to do. I never felt used, or uncomfortable at first, because it felt like I was wanted.
He started getting really forceful with me. He would push me down on the couch when I wanted to leave. He would push me against the wall and get in my face if I said something he didn't like.
One day, he cornered me in the bathroom at his parent's place and tried to have sex with me. We had been fooling around before but I wasn't really into it. I told him that I wanted to just hang out and watch a movie... and he pulled my pants down. He tried to rape me. When I tried to leave the bathroom, I found that he had locked the door.
That is the last day I ever hung out with him.
I moved away a few weeks later (already planned on it) to go to college. I was so excited for a new beginning. I could finally get my ex out of my head, the rebound thing out of my head and start fresh. I got a new job and made new friends.
I met a few guys when I first moved there and started beinging my crazy one night stand craze. It was so much fun because I had no responsibilities to anyone, and in such a big town, who cares!? One of the guys ended up calling me a few days after we had hooked up. He came over to my place with a friend of his. My roommates still hadn't moved in yet for school, since it was still August. We hung out in the living room doing shots. I made out with the guy I had hooked up with before while the other guy watched. We started to play truth or dare, and I got into a very uncomfortable situation. I had no idea that their intentions when they came over was to have a threesome. I tried to get them to leave, but they refused to without cab money because "We came all the way here for you!". I finally handed them the money and told them to "fuck off".
I couldn't believe that I had been in that kind of situation. I didn't sleep at all that night.
School started and I made a lot of new friends. We hung out all of the time and had a great time. I celebrated my 19th birthday, single and loved it. I didnt care about boys or where they were in my life. I went through a very quick and somewhat painless, sex crazed phase.
I started talking to a guy I met at school. It was just as friends at first, because he had a girlfriend. He ended up dumping his girlfriend to date me. We dated for 2 weeks. She called me one day, because she got my cell number from his phone. She told me that I wasn't the only girl he had been seeing. That she came down the weekend prior and they had had sex.
I felt so dirty. I didn't even really like the guy, but since he had dumped his girlfriend for me, I had thought I'd at least give him a shot.
I didn't even hear from the guy after I heard from his ex. He just disapeared from my life, which was probably for the better.
A few weeks later, the guy that I was with for 4 years wanted to come to town and hang out, because he was going to a Halloween party in town anyways. I ended up hanging out with him at this party. There were a bunch of people there I had never met before. One guy, kept looking at me from across the room... I was completely trashed, so I didn't think anything of it. Later that night he approached me and we ended up hanging out and later, making out all night. The ex was very mad and just dropped me off at home after the party. We haven't really talked since.
The day after this, an ex-co-worker that I never really talked to, emailed me and wanted to hang out. I had a crush on him while we were working together, so I of course took him up on the offer. He drove the hour to come and see me. We talked for 8 hours straight. I had never felt that close to anyone before. It felt like we'd known eachother forever.
3 days later, we made it official. On Halloween. Though it was a little fast, we knew it was meant to be. Especially because he was engaged when we worked together... and I was with my ex of 4 years... so we figured the stars had to have aligned.
I went away with him that next weekend to a friend's place. He was so proud to have me on his arm. I had never felt that special before. His smile and the twinkle in his eye made my heart absolutely melt.
About 6 months into our relationship, I had been feeling much more down than ususal. We would hang out, but I wouldn't say a single word to him. I was in such a dark place emotionally, and didn't know any better to not drag him along for the ride.
Just like my parents, he gave me an ultimatum. He told me that he loves me, but he can't be with me if I can't even be with myself.
I went to the doctor's and I was diagnosed with Manic Depression. I was put onto anti-depressants. The first week that I was on them, I tried to kill myself. I always laughed at the commercials that listed a side effect of anti-depressent meds as suicide... never thought it would happen to me. The scars have healed and some of the emtional wounds are healing up as well.
We have had our ups and downs, but we are happy. Though I have gone through all of the termoil in my past... he accepts me for who I am. He understands that suffer from manic depression, just like my mom, and he supports me the best he can, when I let him.
Though we do both have our faults... I wouldn't want him any other way. We are getting married next year... on Halloween.


This is my life... as messy as it seems, I do love it.


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