Knowing she still wants me feels good

Still hearing from her year after year makes me want to lobotomize myself.

She's so beautiful. So incredibly beautiful that you would think I was crazy for leaving her. And if you only knew the experience of touching this woman, of coupling with her, you'd think I was some sort of a masochist for ever wanting to be apart from her. She's wonderful at what she does for a living, and as a barely compensated professional far from home, is still an idealist.

But the girl is unbalanced, and she won't stop repeating the same patterns. She returns to me every time she's in peril of becoming single again. She has night terrors, she drinks to fall asleep. When together we could sleep all weekend together, and it was perfect and warm and safe and good. I know that she thinks she loves me. I also know that this is what a man in her life is for, and that she doesn't really love me. She needs someone, and it used to feel cruel to be apart from her.

But I've known the girl six years and it just doesn't feel cruel any longer to repeat all of the reasons why I don't want to speak to her anymore, every time she writes or calls. I get the impression she's still stalking me when she reappears precisely every time I get serious with a woman, or the day after I tell a girl to get lost. And maybe it would flatter me to be stalked by the most beautiful woman I've ever dumped, the best lover I've ever had. Aside from the fact that it wouldn't be the first time I've been stalked by a beautiful woman with psychological issues.

She scares me sometimes. Not in the, "I'll kill you if you don't marry me," sort of way. I just expect her to always be there behind the scenes, working some sort of an angle on my life, introducing herself to girlfriends, networking, gossiping, trying to stay involved and doing her best to ruin every relationship that isn't with her.

Why not just capitulate? In a lot of ways I could do much worse. But I just don't love her anymore and it really isn't about my ego. There's a reason nature selects the crazy ones that are pretty, and I'm having no part in it. I think I've got nature beat on this one.


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