Finding Gravity, Touching Down and Ironing out the Irony in a Breakup
I felt as though someone had pulled a rug out from under my feet and instead of being caught by gravity and slammed down to the floor I was suspended in mid air weightless and without bearing, completely disoriented and dizzied by the lack of the comfort
I’m tired, cuddled up on my couch in my comforter, and feeling pretty happy when all is said and done. I’m comfortable and getting sleepy… It has only taken me three weeks to get to this point. I feel as though I have landed. Its no doubt breakups can be difficult.
I spent so much time waiting and when the time had come to pass and the relationship ended, I realized there was nothing left to wait for. It seemed as though I’d lost sight of my future. All perception of time was lost because without this coveted future the past and present were entirely irrelevant. At that moment I felt as though someone had pulled a rug out from under my feet and instead of being caught by gravity and slammed down to the floor I was suspended in mid air weightless and without bearing, completely disoriented and dizzied by the lack of the comfort that coexists with dreams and promises unsaid, now unfulfilled. I was alone and my heart was breaking. This lasted for several days, of which, I suffered through like you do a bad dream. And then slowly, groggily, I began to awaken.
My eyes started to focus and see the true state of things. I had been dreaming all along, and it was time to Wake Up. It took a lot of coffee, my mileage went up, and I cried too much and crossed the bridge many times. One day, on one of these drives the beauty of my surroundings took over, and I started smiling even through the tears. I was awake, seeing, and feeling alive. I was no longer trapped in the concept of time I had entangled myself in. No longer held captive by a future I thought inevitable. I was free, and lost within my new found freedom. I was now responsible for creating my life how I chose. The burden of that responsibility is the price we pay for independence.
Ah, but we never really are truly alone, nor completely independent. My friends and family carried me through and let me sleep on their couches and in their spare rooms until I felt like being “alone” again. And when I did, a realization came to me in the form of irony, When I perceived myself as being “together” and “a part of”, I was really “apart from" and in finally breaking apart I came to understand that it was the security I had placed upon the relationship that allowed me to feel a part of something and even though by myself most often, never feeling alone. Still by myself, and feeling more alone then ever, I realized that I had only one viable option, to remove the security from the relationship and put it on myself, where I was, wherever I was, whoever's couch I was on.
So here I lay, full circle, on my couch, by myself, alone and content.