Moving on...

I have been hiding under the duvet feeling cold. My feet cold my hair cold my heart cold trembling with my whole being longing for somebody to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. It is raining outside I have been working all week at the movie shoot carrying metallic polls up and down, cleaning after people and serving coffee to actors tired of waiting for their turn. The week is over, the shoot is over the relationship I was trying to preserve in spite the distance, misunderstandings and my unexplained indifference seem to be over too. Accused of being myself, not being able to lie to rescue the situation I have to move on. Pull myself together again and move on. Collect myself once again piece by piece and move! Move away, move ahead, move on, just not stand still! Start pitying yourself and you would crumble with no one around to pick up the pieces so don't let yourself go hold on to those strings and pull them together as tight as you can! You need yourself, need your indifference, need your cold heart to push through to survive to live and to crawl out from underneath this duvet one day to see the rain subsiding and your feet and heart warming up. My eyes are wet with tears, self induced misery of inability to give. Rightly abandoned but wrongly accused I ask myself a question if it is all my fault. Can you miss something you have never really had? It is all logical as always, cold hearted logic no space for sentimentality, a robot. I am looking for someone to blame, but there is nobody around. It's just me and my four walls. Welcome back, I hear myself saying with a smirk. What else did you expect? Actually, I had no expectations, I almost never do, everyone's actions are explained my behaviour rationed my emotions are still. Occasional breeze but no storm, and the sound of rain outside crying for my useless heart. I am ok, I am ok, I am always ok, I keep repeating to myself, no need to worry its just me. Smile, just carry on smiling, you know how to do it! You do it sincerely because you are! and that is what matters so don't let it go! Without it what else would be left there to hold on to? True to yourself, just be true to yourself……. as always.

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