Dreams of Death

He wants full custody of all 5 kids.I'm staring at my divorce attny..numb, paralized. I've never been apart from my kids. For months the battle raged...months of allegations, accusations, hatred and cruelty. Months turned into years..I would like to say I didnt participate in this destructive behaviour but...my only excuse is that if I didnt fight back, he would win and Him winning meant me losing custody of my babies. It was during the first half of the second year of my very lengthy divorce that the dreams began. The first dream He was on a runaway train and my kids were on it with him. They were crying out for me as I watched them hurtling past. He had control of the train and could choose to stop it or continue on and destroy our children. In the dream He choose to destroy them. Then the dreams changed. At first they were extremely violent. He would die in all of them and the level of pain inflicted was incredible, I was always there to inflict the fatal wound..sometimes a knife or gun was involved, other times a baseball bat or other weapon.In the early dreams I always looked into his eyes as he was dying and laughed. Then the dreams evolved into me only watching him die. I would no longer participate in the murder,I just orchestrated it and watched, but still always looking into his eyes and laughing as he died. Then I dreampt I cut the brake lines in the car..and saw him driving off to his death..but wait..the kids were in the car with him..they are supposed to be safe at home with me..I change the dream..make sure the kids are safe with me..this time I dont cut the brake lines, they just snap on accident. He is killed accidentally and I have nothing to do with it. Then the dream where he accidentally wrecks the car but is only in a coma, not dead, and the one where he is shot by a hunter accidentally, maimed and bleeding but very much alive and in pain. The dreams began to change and get less and less violent the less He challenged my parenting and the less He was demanding in court. They began to take less of my mind when the divorce became final and after 4 years the dreams stopped. I have dreams now but they are mostly happy ones..and HE is in them once in a while..as a parent, as a father, and as someone I once loved and planned on spending the rest of my life with. I am thankful that we as parents never involved our children in our rages against each other, that now we are able to go to family functions together for the kids' sake and actually get along...that we parent well and wish each other happiness. I know what hell divorce can be and if my dreams were to be interpreted..they would tell me I was feeling insecure and out of control of my life and my kids' lives. That His death was to me like removing the threat...I'm glad today that he is alive and well and very much loved by his children. And glad the pain of divorce is behind me...10 years now.


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