Abyss

My friends thought I was crazy. I would drive around during rush hour looking for a traffic jam I needed to be near somebody, anybody, Anybody who could not escape and leave me alone again. Anyone close by, even if they were in another car with the windows rolled up, I did not want to talk. I do not thing that I could have talked with crying and men do not cry. But I did. I cried like a baby.
She stole my children, my home, and my man hood and all she could say was that she wasn't happy. Who knows what happens to marriages? I don't. I have ideas about mine but a psychiatrist I am not. She was much younger, twelve years younger, She just turned eighteen when we took off for Vegas to be married. I was a college graduate working for U.S. Steel and she was waitress that dropped out of high school. I was horny as hell and she was sexy as hell. I had a trophy wife and she had a way out of her own little piece of hell. I was her second marriage. She was my first. We met while she was going through a divorce from her first husband. The marriage was good for a few years but after the birth of our second child, a son, she became unhappy. She wasn't having any fun.
I did not understand. We did not have time for fun. We had obligations. Their were the two kids, the home, the cars and all the other crap a new marriage goes through.
She did not work. I wouldn't allow that. No wife of mine needed to work. She had the kids, the house and me to take care of. She was insistent. She wanted out of the house and away from the kids. She couldn't stand being cooped up. I relented and she went to work and the kids went to a sitter, Then she needed one night out with the "girls". I took the kids to the sitter and picked them up.
I watched the kids, cooked their meals, and bathed them.
She came home late, tired from work (bill collecting) and did little or nothing for the kids. I was the mother, she the roving father. Then she introduced the drugs and the drug friends. I went along. After all, I was now the subservient part of the relationship. I did not want to lose her. I loved her. She was the mother of my children. My wife, my drug lord. We went to drug parties and we had drug parties.
I became paranoid. I was sure we were about to be arrested. I kept the curtains shut and peeked out constantly, looking for the police. I couldn't take it. I had to quit. We had to give up drugs but she wouldn't. Finally she ask me to leave. We needed time apart, She wasn't sure she loved me anymore. I left Devastated, and brokenhearted. The next Monday morning when I went back to pick up my kids to take them to the sitter, he was leaving. Her boy friend. Her boss from work. Then I knew for sure what had been going on. I had suspected it but no man wants to face it No man wants his heart ripped apart. No man wants his penis ripped from his groin. No man wants to lose his children, his home and his life. I filed for divorce and the boy friend moved in. I moved to an apartment where she came to me every night in my dreams.
I woke up hearing her outside my door only to open it and find no one there I slept with the TV on so that I couldn't hear her. I drove the freeways looking for traffic jams. I couldn't go to anyplace where people could actually talk to me. I might cry. When I filed for the divorce I also filed for custody of the children. After several hearings the judge granted me custody. I raised the children without her.
They both grew up to be fine people. She continued with her drugs and died at the age of 44 from cancer. Did the drugs cause the cancer? I think so. Her mother, father and all of her aunts and uncles lived past 80.
I wrote a poem about her.
ABYSS

MY SOUL IS FLOATING ABOVE THE DEPTHS OF HELL
FIGHTING THE URGE TO KILL
FIGHTING THE URGE TO AVENGE A TORN HEART
A HEART THAT HAD BEEN RIPPED FROM MY SOUL
FIGHTING TO REGAIN A MANHOOD
A MANHOOD RIPPED FROM MY GROIN
FIGHTING NOT TO DESTROY THE ONE WHO DID THIS TO ME
THE ONE WHO STOLE MY CHILDREN
AND LEFT ME ALONE
FIGHTING TO RETAIN MY SOUL
FIGHTING TO OVERCOME
TO REGAIN
TO FORGIVE
FOR TO FORGIVE
IS TRULY THE PATH THAT LEADS
TO THE SALVATION OF
MY SOUL

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