Air In, Air Out.
Tomorrow is my concert. The songs are all about him.
A serious relationship was everything I'd ever wanted. I did NOT want to be like the other people in my high school. Dating to just date--or have sex. Dating to them seemed like a joke. I wanted to find someone that could be my best friend, someone that would remind me everyday why I love them.
When I thought that I'd found that, I couldn't have been happier. I was on cloud nine--cloud nine was a prospect I'd had to explain to him--for the longest time.
We didn't exactly meet through myspace. I saw him first on myspace. I'd been looking through some of my friends friends and saw him listed. I went to his page and discovered it laden with nightmare before christmas things. That should have turned me away right then, that should have warned me that this was one of those boys who pretended to be part of the new emo craze. I didn't listen to my instincts though, mostly because the idea of finally having a real-life boyfriend excited me. I ventured a little further down the page and saw him listed as 'bi-sexual' another trait that didn't exactly make me happy. Usually when I hear bi-sexual, I think about something along the lines of 'undecidable'. It makes me think of someone who is very indecisive. I didn't want that. It didn't matter though, because when I saw his picture, it reminded me of a boy I'd liked before. That sealed the deal.
"Hi, I'm Jacob," I remember writing to him in a little message. He replied with something along the lines of "Hey I'm Billy," I'm giving him an alias because--as much as I'd like to--I wouldn't want to embarrass him. We hit it off immediately, talking about our schools and the fact that he only lived five minutes away. "Do you want to text me sometime?" I'd asked, knowing that soon I'd have to leave the library and go back home where I had no internet. He said he'd love to talk to me again, so I gave him my number and logged off.
At home, the conversations began. First they were little text conversations. Talking about our favorite types of music--his list comprised of Marilyn Manson(another warning), Katy Perry(a name which he spelled Katty Pery), and Evanescence(whom until about a year ago had been my favorite band). My list was made up of artists he'd never heard of. Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, PJ Harvey, Patrick Wolf. It occurred to me that maybe I was getting involved with someone a little too immature for me.
"When's your birthday?" I asked him on the second day.
"October, 30th," he's exactly one month older than I am. I kept my thoughts positive however and agreed to a date with him that Friday, the same day as my 10th grade Talent Show(which I ended up placing in). We were going to meet at the theatre and watch 'Taken'. It seemed like something that could keep our attention. I didn't want him to lose interest in the movie, or me. We talked out loud for just about the whole movie. Chatting about our lives and occasionally laughing at how incredibly unlikely the movie was. At one point, I rested my arm on the armrest between us, and he boldly took it and didn't let go for the remainder of the movie.
I remember promising my friends I wouldn't kiss him on the first date. I remember promising myself I wouldn't kiss him on the first date. Firstly, because I didn't want him to think I was easy. Secondly, he smoked, a huge, huge, turn off. We stayed for 15 minutes after the movie and talked. All the while, he held my hand. Our sweat fusing our hands together.
"So you don't kiss on the first date?" he asked me.
"Not normally, but I really want to," there were stars in my eyes and something bubbling in my stomach. He leaned in finally, whispering, "Let's just do this." He kisses me and it was wonderful. I wondered the whole night afterwards why I couldn't taste the smoke.
"I brushed my teeth 9 times that day," he told me later that day. I went home and wrote a poem. Something I thought I'd given up.
Wednesday I brought him to my church. Two gay boys walking into a church. I'm sure it was a sight to see. He got along great with my sister and was outgoing and friendly. Despite his rebellious ways and his disbelief in God. I remember falling for him that night. And although some might say I fell too soon. I knew that if he could fit this perfectly into this one significant part of my life. We might have a chance.
That Friday, I spent the night at his house. One thing he made me aware of was the fact that he was NOT a virgin. He'd slept with a girl, one of his best friends to be exact. I met her that day, and hated her. I know that's awful, but I couldn't help myself. I on the other hand, am a virgin and didn't plan on that changing. I made him very aware of this.
His sister picked me up at my house and we drove the roughly eight minutes it took to get to his house. I came upstairs and said hi to his mother--whom I'd already met twice before--and followed him into his room. His door consisted of a thick blanket held up by tacks. I noticed the strawberry flavored whipped cream sitting on his dresser. He noticed that I noticed and put some on his finger. "It's really good," he said. So I tasted it. It was only a little good. Some off-brand crap that he probably bought at a cheap grocery store. I smiled anyways and kissed him.
His sister once again caravaned us over to a local park. Where I'd meet his friends. They were nice, they were more than nice. I really liked them. I slumped down on a swing and he asked if he could smoke. "Do you mind?" Like I have a choice, is what I was thinking.
"I won't ever dictate what you do, Billy," I told him. He said thanks and went off to smoke with Randy. I sat and listened to Kelsee(the girl he'd slept with) talk to her mother about picking up movies and pizza rolls. The conditions her mother negotiated were, you run to Ric's get the pizza rolls and I'll rent the movie for you. So we jumped a fence--I fell actually--and left the park.
The movie Kelsee rented was Role Models. We returned to her home and watched it in her dark room. It was clouded with smoke and the walls were covered in words. Words that I didn't understand, and some words that I did understand. I asked if I could write something, and Kelsee of course agreed.
Jacob Is Innocent.
I wrote in my small wispy lettering. They told me I'd have to write it bigger than that. But I declined. I held his hand during the movie. But dropped it as soon as he pulled out his lighter. "Don't you need two hands for that?" he just laughed and put his leg between mine. I didn't kiss him the rest of the movie just for that.
"Brush your teeth, please," I said jokingly when we were back at his house. He happily complied and went downstairs to do that and help his grandfather with things. I visisted with his mother, she told me how wonderful it was that Billy had found someone like me. Silently, I agreed. I thought it was great.
We started to watch Over The Hedge 2, that night. We started to watch it. Five minutes in, the making out started. It was unlike any feeling I'd ever had before. It felt so right, and so free, and so invigorating. He stopped at one point and whispered three words, "I love you," and I had the audacity to say it back. Our lips didn't seem to separate for the rest of that damn movie. He made me watch it again from where we left off though, and then proceeded to fall asleep. I took off his glasses and went to bed.
Every time I see Over The Hedge 2, at Wal-Mart, I want to puke.
I returned home and felt different. Sad that I'd had to leave and happy to have returned. We were distant after that. I still haven't figured out why. Wednesday, the day I'd decided to end it, I came home and found this text message on my phone.
"I've thought about it a lot lately, and I think we should break up." Text message. I was stupid to have thought I was worth more than that to him. I didn't argue. But he'd made me the victim. To this day, almost 2 months after, I'm still the victim. Tomorrow is my concert. The songs are all about him.