The first guy I bitch slapped
A couple months ago my ex-boyfriend finally fessed up to cheating. Four girls. I always knew he was screwing around behind my back, but God, denial is such a beautiful thing. Anyway, I came across Co-Ed Magazine’s blog How To Cheat: Not That You Should, But Here’s How You Could and thought, “Great, a step-by-step instructional article teaching guys how to cheat.” Then I realized this article wasn’t necessarily the Spawn of Slutty Satan, but rather a gift from above that just needed a new title - “How To Tell Your Douche Bag Of A Boyfriend Is Cheating Behind That Beautiful Back Of Yours.” I outline below how my ex-boyfriend followed these seven steps. Listen carefully, take notes if you must - the following paragraphs contain very important information that might serve as useful to you in the future.
1. "Establish an alibi." It’s almost always the best friend. In my ex-boyfriend’s case it was. You think your boyfriend is safe with their BFF because you and your boyfriend’s BFF are like, totally cool and you can trust him to put a predatory pretty girl in place if she tries to throw herself at your boyfriend. An intervention by your boyfriend’s BFF, you imagine, goes as follows, “Yo bitch! Step the F off. He’s got a hot girlfriend!” You assume he mentions that your boyfriend has a girlfriend. You secretly hope he mentions your hot. This is never the case. Your boyfriend’s BFF never intervenes. He’s your boyfriend’s wing man and wing men never, ever, ever cock block. It’s forbidden by Man Law. Instead they cover for your boyfriend, which is exactly what my ex-boyfriend’s BFF did. Thanks buddy.
2. "Gym membership." Maybe it’s a gym membership. Maybe it’s a study group. It just has to be something that’s consistent and something your cheating boyfriend can use as an excuse. In my ex-boyfriend’s case it was “guys night out.” To think I encouraged “guy time.” More like “grab ass time”.
3. "Assign ambiguous nicknames"...or don’t assign ambiguous nicknames at all! Example:
Me: Why is (insert not so nice girl’s name here) calling you?
Cheating boyfriend: Oh, she just wanted to know if I wanted to meet up to study.”
What he forgot to mention was, “By study, he means fuck.”
4. "Delete incriminating evidence." By evidence I mean text messages, call histories, emails, etc. Cheating boyfriends are pretty good at this, surprisingly, but if you come across something fishy such as the following text message in your boyfriend’s inbox like I did from (insert not so nice girl’s name here), “It was really nice meeting you the other night,” odds are what she really means is, “It was really nice sticking my tongue down your throat the other night.” See number 2.
5. "Don’t use Facebook." Cheating boyfriends are smarter than we girlfriends think and it is so, so depressing. Plus we’re gullible. Trying hard to be less psychotic than usual, we tell ourselves, “He’s allowed to be friends with girls on Facebook. They’re just friends…” Yeah. Fucking. Right. Example:
A message I discovered when my ex-boyfriend left his Facebook up on the computer (what an idiot, like I’m not going to go through every single message he has ever sent or received):
Message from (insert not so nice girl’s name here): Hey sexy! Just wanted to tell you I love you and your dick belongs in me and not some Arizona girl. xoxo (insert not so nice girl’s name here).
Stupid, stupid ex-boyfriend. Don’t leave your Facebook up on the computer, in fact don’t even use it. You’re just asking to get caught.
6. “Travel for business." Travel in general. It’s your cheating boyfriend’s belief that they are 100% allowed to have “hos in different area codes” and what happens in (insert name of his destination here), stays in (insert name of his destination here). Never the case, my poor, poor idiot ex-boyfriend. See number 5.
7. "Deny. Deny. Deny." Whether you have a sixth sense for detecting your cheating boyfriend’s bullshit or not, it’s usually easy to catch your cheating boyfriend in a lie, since that’s pretty much all they do. Here is a short list of a few lies I have heard from my ex-boyfriend:
* “Abby? Oh, that’s just my boss. I got her number so I could call her to let her know if I’m going to be late to work.” - Abby was actually a nurse my ex-boyfriend met when he went to the doctors for a check up.
* “Sorry I’m late. Raquel (his co-worker) and I just grabbed a few drinks after work.” - What a polite way to say, “We fucked all night long.”
* “I don’t know why my ex-girlfriend is calling me. That’s weird.” Not really, since he had sex with her when he went home for winter break. She wants more of that dick of yours, duh. See number 5.
* “My phone was off.” No, actually he was clearing my calls and ignoring my text messages while he was making out with a girl. See number 4.
* “We’re just friends.” Yeah, that have sex. See number 3.
* “I haven’t slept with anyone since we started dating!” Bullshit! See all of the above.