Love! Hate! They are both 4 letter words...
I.Hate.You! I have never felt such contempt for one human being, ever. It has been 10 years since we met, 3 since I left you.
When I met you, you swept me off my feet. You were my Prince Charming. I have never loved like I loved you, not before not since. I was a young, dumb, wounded, single mother fresh out of a physically abusive relationship. You were everything I needed and wanted. I willed you and wished you to hit me just like he did, like I expected you to. You didn't and promised you never would. You nursed me back from my emotional hell. You became my everything. Completely and totally immersed in you and our life together. I got so comfortable that I stopped waiting for that 'other shoe to drop'. I loved you so completely; I craved you, your look, your swagger, your scent, your touch, your voice, everything. I started to believe that you were real, and that I deserved you.
Why? Why did you do that? You built me up and sold me a dream...only to tear me down worse than when I met you. That other shoe did drop....with a resounding THUD! I was too blind to see it, too deaf to hear it. It was slow and methodical, I still can't tell you where the love ended and the crazy started.
You blame the drugs, I still blame you. Of course, I didn't know about them until it was too late. Apparently, you were a very functional addict for a very long time, until you were no longer functional at anything. You slowly pulled me right along with you into a hellish psychological abyss. Cocaine was your drug of choice, you were mine.
I spent so many years trying to get back what we once had. When I finally left you, I realized that the point of no return had long since been crossed. I will never have that person back, and I will never be the same person I was. You put me through hell, and when I left, it was the single most devastating and painful thing I've ever had to do. I cried myself to sleep for months. It took everything in me not cave and tell you where I was.
My intense love and desire for you, slowly turned to intense hate. I hate that you chose cocaine over me. I hate that you took me on such a tortuous path. I hate that I LET you take me on that path. I hate that you never hit me; I wish you would have, I would have seen that coming. I hate that you have made me this person; devoid of any emotion. I hate that you are so emotionally crippled that you will never know what you did to me. I hate that you have no clue.