the greatest lessons learned are the lessons lived

always remember home

we met at a party my first weekend in college. i saw him again at a battle of the bands. he mooned me on the way there and dropped me in the mosh pit. went back to his place with everyone, stayed in living room with him to listen to music. then i never left. he cried when he told me he loved me. i pulled him in the shower with his clothes on. we loved god and respected our bodies. i had never felt so comfortable with someone before...i could say anything, do anything, wear anything...wear nothing. i was beautiful, i was his. he was incredible, he was mine. we moved in together. the first time i visited home i couldn't sleep because he wasn't there. i said i'm in my hometown, in my house, in my room, in my bed...but i'm not home. he said home is not a place. home is a state of mind. home is the people you feel most comfortable with. home is an emotion. home is me and you. always remember home, baby. a few months later i got always remember home tattooed on my back. people said it was a mistake..what would i do if we broke up? it wouldn't matter. at that exact moment in time in my life, that's what i needed to hear. why would i want to forget a moment so powerful? yea he said it, but that's not all it is to me. we argued sometimes, but we made it a point never to go to bed upset. the one time i did i fell asleep on the couch but woke up at 5 and crawled into bed right into his open arms. he had been waiting for me. we both had strong beliefs about love, marriage, and virginity. marriage is a one time thing, and when we did get married to someone, we wanted to be able to offer them one thing that no one else could say they had. although we slept in the same bed for over 8 months, sometimes clothed, sometimes not, it was never a temptation. our friends had bets about when we would give in, and if they'd bet money, we could have been rich. there was so much loved in our relationship that i felt like i didn't deserve it. what made me SO special to deserve something so amazing? so THIS is what it's really like. all the stories are true, this truely is the most amazing feeling in the world! when the semester ended our roommates were moving out and we couldn't afford rent on our own. we both moved back to our parents houses, 400 miles apart. i stopped school for a year and worked full time. i drove or flew up every month and we talked nearly every day. i was there for easter, thanksgiving, christmas. my family hated me, but him and his loved me. i still didn't deserve it, him. a few months later he moved into his own place, but still near his parents house. i was still coming up to visit. he wanted to move back to where the school was, and often stayed for weeks at a time with friends up there. before we met he partied a lot, he drank excessively, never smoked..except hookah. the day before we met he had his "drinking retirement party". since we were together he'd only drank once or twice. when he started staying with people he got back into it. he started smoking hookah a lot, drinking alcohol a lot more. he was starting to get out of control. he was turning into someone i didn't know. when i'd visit he'd be distant. he was finally starting to live again, he said. previously it had torn him apart to be away from me. this was his escape. it wasn't so hard anymore. eventually he said he thinks he needs to straighten his life out and figure out what he wants. i said i'd give him all the time he needs. he said he doesn't have the strength for commitment right now. it's too hard, he needs to focus. i said i would wait, we didn't need to break up, i would pull back, i would wait. he said ok. a month later he said it again. i guess we technically broke up, but i was already planning on visiting so i went anyways and told him we could talk in person. when i got there we talked and i asked what he wanted to do. could be together? were we? did he want to be? he said in the days since we last talked that he decided he needed time to focus, but he loved me and didn't need time apart from me. we were together again. that was then end of april of this year. on memorial day, 6 days before my 20th birthday he sent me a message on myspace. he was breaking up with me for good. he was sorry he "hadn't been vocal" until then, but he didn't want to be with me any more. it wasn't what he wanted. he was vague and cold, not my william. he didn't have a phone anymore so i called everyone i knew he could be with. no one would let me talk to him, they all said he'd moved on already. i said MOVED ON?? WE'VE BEEN APART FOR 2 HOURS!! and everyone acted like they didn't know what i was talking about. they said he met someone else and i should leave them alone. i found out later that everyone knew we'd broken up before...for a week, but he never told anyone we were back together. so when he met this girl and she (and i quote) "intrigued" him, no one thought to tell me. i finally talked to him he said he was sorry but i should never talk to him again. i said i was coming up that weekend (the one when my birthday was sunday) and he said he wouldn't see me. i drove up anyways, probably unsafely from the blurred vision, and i saw him once unintentionally. he wouldn't see me after that. i was talking with a friend when his new girl called her. i wanted to meet her and tell her i didn't blame her for anything because no one knew. the friend would take no part in it, but i picked the girl up. she was drunk. i showed her the message and told her what happened. i said he'd lied to her and everyone and if she wanted to be with him that's fine, but he probably shouldn't be with anyone. then i brought her home. he called and screamed at me and told me to go home. i got lost on the way to my friends house and (having not been able to sleep) took my regular benedryl, then another, then 5 more. it took everything in me to stop there. i have a history with suicide and i was disgusted that i let it get that far since i've been clean for a few years. i drove home the next day. a few more weeks of not eating or sleeping and one day i woke up and said i'll be ok. it's been almost 6 months now and i'm still struggling. i still wear the ring he gave me for our 1st anniversary. i still kiss it every night, but in hope for new love, not for old. 4 months ago i moved back up for school. we work across the street from eachother (on accident) and i see him sometimes when i stop by. it's awkward, and hard, but i know who he is in his heart and i'm hoping one day we can be friends again. well technically we never were, though i'd considered him my best friend during our relationship. maybe one day he will come around. he was my first love, so i'm not expecting this to be easy. i'm slowly healing. i would love to find new love soon, but i know as much as i want to be, i'm not ready for it yet. i can't even see myself kissing anyone else. i know in my head that all of this is right for me, but it's been very difficult explaining to my heart that it needs to stop feeling what it had felt for so long. i had never been hurt so much in my life. i had also never been so happy for so long from one person before that. i do not regret a minute of it, not even the pain. i loved him, and lost him, but i'll live.

oh yea, they were together for maybe a month before she picked up and moved 2000mi away. they had sex and there was a pregnancy scare. they both got away lucky, and i get to walk away knowing i'm still a gift.


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