Finding it hard to breathe. . .

There it is, that phrase, the phrase that many of us dispute, untill one day the very thing we dispute smacks us right between the eyes and then gushes into our hearts. Love at first sight. Well I was young. . I still am young but one thing is for sure. . When love hits you. . .you sure as hell know about it!!
So we met on a horrible dark rainy day in a coffee shop, I was just a giggling teenager completely unaware that my life was going to drastically change within the space of a week. He was shy and I had a boyfriend, his best friend of course, so for some reason for the whole day we managed to avoid eye contact, untill he went to leave and I handed him his jacket. In unison we looked up and our eyes met, now I'm sure to this day, just as he did back then. He would probably deny that it was love at first sight. He can deny all he wants and we'd both know deep down it was untrue.

That night I dumped my boyfriend and contacted. . . lets call him Jude. Within a few hours of talking he invited me to his house. Then within a week of that we were a couple. Absolutely inseperable!!! It was by far the best two years of my life.

Unfortunately one day my biological mother contacted me, a woman who had abandoned me, cheated on my father, kept my older brother and vanished from my life at the age of three. Little did I know it at the time, but this shook my whole world!! She turned out to be everything that I never wanted to become, I quickly realised that I deserved better and infact I already had it in the family that raised me.

This feeling of deserving better quickly deluded every aspect of my life, though I did not realise it I became restless and took it out on all the wrong things my college work, my friends, my boyfriend. .. I began to question everything, "is he right for me?", "Do I love him?", "Can I do better?", "Does he love me?".

Due to the rocky patch I had been going through we were starting to have more fights, which gradually got louder, angrier and longer. One day I convinced myself that the only way to find out what to do would be to see if I could have feelings for another man. So I gave it a go, I started talking to another really great guy and flirting with him. After a few drinks he managed to charm a kiss out of me. That was the end of that. Though I had no feelings for this other man, whatsoever, it was the end of me and Jude too. I left my phone out so he could easily read the messages, knowing that it was him infact that deserved something better. . much much better. Of course the relationship ended.

I did many things to try and forget, none of my methods worked, Ieven sent him an "I miss you" message, then scorned myself for not staying out of his life. To ths day I have managed to keep myself out of his path and let him thrive in life. Whereas I have become an emotional wreck, I am plagued day in and day out. When I close my eyes at night I see him whenIi am out walking he is running up from behing and embracing me, when I watch tv his arm is around me. Most of all in my times of despair I am alone. . .No matter the countless times I have tried to move on I have learned to accept that. . For all my sins. . . I am suffering. My air grows thinner and thinner and my entire self deprived of light. Well. . he left, and I have been drowning on dry land ever since.


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