Preschool Exes

When preschool ended, I was relieved that I could move on to more sophisticated men.

I had three boyfriends in Orthodox Jewish preschool. Jonathan Berry was my favorite because he had a red convertible car bed. Call me superficial, but I learned early on (from my mother) that a car indicates what's in a man's bank account. The added benefit of being with a Berry was that his mother packed the best Purim baskets, filled with quality Kosher cookies and Israeli chocolate. Plus, I got to ride his huge swing set weekly (this is a literal statement). One day, while hanging out at the Berry household, I remember seeing a Hebrew sign on his bedroom door that illustrated his morning, afternoon, and nighttime rituals and for some reason, brushing teeth was illustrated before eating breakfast. That immediately bothered me. "What about having fresh breath?" I thought. We never actually kissed, so I never got to test out this theory, but I'm sure if we had done so, his morning breath would have been less than favorable. Being an Italian Jew with no hope of ever becoming Orthodox or learning Hebrew, I later learned I was incorrectly reading the Hebrew sign from left to right. My illiteracy clearly indicated that our relationship was going nowhere fast, despite the fact that we had played husband and wife in numerous Shabbat ceremonies. It's just too bad I didn't try harder with Berry. He was an excellent tap dancer.

Unlike Berry, Elliot Siegel was less than graceful. He was my least favorite boyfriend in Orthodox Jewish preschool. I just didn't see potential in the guy. He had no talent other than an ability to scream loudly. To be honest, he was the boyfriend I had around just to increase my numbers. I was not interested in his actual personality. I'm sure he had ADHD, because he pulled my curls often (DURING PRAYERS). The only upside to being with him was that he had one of the largest trampolines I've ever seen, and I have yet to see a larger one in my adult life. Siegel did not invite me to his house often, so I never got to know his parents intimately. It was a shame, because if he had been a little more polite, we would have been together for more than two weeks.

Unlike Siegel, Jonathan Braun was an average guy and sometimes, settling for the average guy is really all you need in life. The Braun family owned a company that manufactured shavers, but I knew Jonathan was destined to be a dentist. He was kind, quiet, and enjoyed mathematics. We read a lot together during story time. We even went to day camp together. And then, one day, he really ruined our magic. During lunch, as we sat in the grassy field, under the bright bright sun, he had found a piece of dog poop in the field at camp and proceeded to pick it up with a stick, then run around, waving it in everyone's faces, including mine. I let go of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich (an unfortunate waste), and immediately screamed that we were OVER. No man of mine would fling poop in my face!

When preschool ended, I was relieved that I could move on to more sophisticated men. Older guys seemed to be what I needed. The more educated they were, the better. I fell in love with kindergarten classmate David Manheim and instead of cultural differences, rudeness, or poop to get between us, it was I who ruined the relationship. During class, while Mrs. Knowles was teaching us basic grammar, I took a flirtatious peek at David and immediately started to pee. I was forever considered the pee-girl after that. Fortunately I can control myself now that I am older (who knows what will happen when I turn eighty), but at the time, it was devastating and I had a hard time finding boyfriends after that.

Fast forward to my 20s and I've found a wonderful guy after numerous mistakes and terrible choices. We have three cats: Hunter, Max, and Princess Bunny Buttons and a dog named Maude. But enough about that. He's not an ex and I don't see him ever becoming one.


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