Letter to you:
It was a cataclysm of empty words and promises you never intended to keep.
I feel like being with you created another me, or maybe my soul was split in two when my heart began to love. I don’t think we were made to have as strong of feelings as I had for you. It causes distress and perversion. It destroys.
I couldn’t be happy without being sad. I don’t know how that could make sense, but that’s how it was. It’s still true sometimes. Or maybe it’s simply that happy just doesn’t exist, at least not the happy that people always dream about. There was always something dragging me down, bringing the tears, holding me back. I think you resented that side of me. You understood the feeling so well, but you hated that I had them as well. Maybe we were too much alike. Maybe two lost and miserable souls can’t live together in harmony for long. Maybe I always knew this.
But I made space in my heart for happiness after you were gone by shoving my true feelings aside to act the part, just for a little while. But fake lives can’t last forever. I’ve come back. I’m back and sadder than ever. Everything is crashing down around me, and the saddest part of all is I want you here. Sometimes I really do miss you. It’s the most confusing feeling I’ve ever felt. No matter how horribly I felt, when I was with you I didn’t care. I didn’t mind being sad because I had you, the one thing I have always wanted in my life, the one thing I thought could help me through. Now I don’t know what to turn to, but I know I will never turn back to you. I can’t.
You represent everything inside of me that I hate, everything that I can’t let go of. You always knew that, didn’t you? It gave you power and control. You knew you had won once you saw into my soul. You won everything. My mind. My heart. My life. And then you destroyed them all, one by one. It was a cataclysm of empty words and promises you never intended to keep. You shattered my world in a such a way that it can never go back to how it once was. It can never be fixed. A part of me now will never work the same.
Never before did I realize you could hate and love someone with the same amount of intensity. Sometimes I can barely tell which feeling is surging through my body. Love and hate, how similar they really are. Both bring irrationality and pain. Hate changes us just as much as love. They change us forever, in ways we can’t even explain. You changed me. You created this monstrosity that haunts me where ever I go, whatever I do. Part of me is always still with you
I won’t give my heart to anyone ever again though. I don’t even know if I could anymore. I feel like I used to be so grounded, so sure. I used to know what I was and how I felt. I knew who I’d be; who I wanted to be. Now I don’t. It’s been a gradual thing… I didn’t just suddenly lose sight of myself one day. I’ve been slipping away. Slowly. But I can really feel it now. I must say, it’s a frightening feeling. I don’t even have myself anymore. That’s what alone really means. You did this. I hope you feel guilt and sadness and regret. I hope you can’t sleep at night, and I hope you feel the way I have. I hope you feel that pain and hopelessness. I hope someday you experience the things you have put others through, because I know I was not the only one you did this to. But more than any of that, I hope you can understand.
And maybe now you can,
What you did…
What it meant to me...
How your actions can break people on the inside.