x exes

I must have loved you

I've got exes all over. You've just become one. Some come to me like a song for strange reasons I never try to figure out. A smell maybe. Right now, the first that comes to mind is the cheerleader who gave me a footjob on the bus on the way back from a hockey game in Woonsocket. She ended up writing poems about us and shoving them into the slots of my locker door. Thinking of lockers reminds me of Laurinda, who broke up with me at my locker. My first love. Later, we ended up at the same college. But where an ex ends up is really not what keeps them with me. It's who they were, who I was, who we were, when we were together. Laurinda was over twenty years ago for god's sake. I don't want to know where she is or how she's doing. Prefer her frozen in time in my mind. The law school ex in that summer dress and sandles. The fiance, the last time I saw her. Even the exes I meet again, like my first wife on the street a few months ago...those moments don't mean much to me, no hard feelings...just rekindled memories of love's labour lost. They were all good women. Virgns, even, some of them. A few good friends. Some I had to leave behind. Some went away. They're all out there somewhere, better, I guess. Hopefully, at least as happy as I am. And if not, I'm not sure I could have done anything differently. There was that one time I lied. Just once, but a big one. But I'd guess even that has healed over with age and consequence. So, for the most part, I enjoy the fleeting thoughts that drift through every now and again. Good for the heart, I think, and I'm more grateful for their visits and prescence in my life than I am cut up about what happened between us. I hope they are, too. I must have loved you.

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