I knew I'd screw it up
I loved him, loved him more than I ever have or ever will love anyone. He didn't care that I lived in a trailer, didn't care I was living in poverty with my Mother and 5 siblings, didn't care I would never be able to give him my most prized possession,my virginity and not because I didn't want to but, because at the tender age of nine an Uncle decided to take it for him. It's strange how we oversee the obvious when love tugs at our hearts.
I'm not sure why or how it ended, All I do remember is I was in a dark, self destructive place in my life. I had left home at 16 and was working fulltime doing the publics dirty laundry at a local cleaners. I didn't have a pot to piss in but, I was in school and somehow making it on my own. I weighed about 92 pounds at that time. I spent alot of time hugging the porcelain and making myself throw up, maybe that's what did in the relationship. I don't know, maybe he saw his future and it didn't look so fucking hot. Maybe it was just me, he was a good man and maybe I didn't want to ruin him with a piece of shit like me. I played this game of cat and mouse for the next ten years. I couldn't get my shit together, but wanted him to wait a lifetime till I did. October 1983 he finally had enough.
I went on with my life I married, divorced went back to him, left him and then 8 years later married again and had a child. I became a banker, ironic how I never had money and now I was managing it for other people. I've spent my whole life wondering what could have been if only things had been different. I hated that I compared my past and present spouse to him, I hated that I thought about the passionate lovemaking we had would never be had again. Lovemaking such as that can only occur when two people loved each other and I never allowed myself to go to that place with another man. I guess I secretly hoped someday it would all fall into place for us. Our high school reunion would occur one year, we'd see each other and all the same sparks would fly. We'd forget what was and pick up where we left off. I guess I'm still in that dark place I was 25 years ago.