What Happened?

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I look back at when I first met you, those last two weeks of summer. Just by your apparenace and style I thought you were the coolest kid i’d met. You were so unique and funny, and you were loyal. You had that edgy punk vibe that I am drawn too. I later learned that behind that rocker style, you were one of the sweetest guys I think i’ve ever met. I instantly felt like I could trust you with anything.

As I sit here I’m trying to type what I’m thinking, but it’s hard to write down, because you’re gone. I didn’t know you for that long, and I wish more than anything that I could’ve had more time with you. I don’t know what happened or why we don’t talk. To be honest i’m confused about the whole thing. I was told you liked me and that’s when everything changed.

I remember when you needed a rockband drum pedal and you were desperate for one and I gave you mine. You don’t know this, but that day made me fall for you. I saw you and your friend Will drive by my house about 3 times. Then after 5 minutes you came back by, and you were looking out the car window with the cutest grin on your face. I started cracking up, because it was just so typical of you to do that. Then I figured I should stand outside so you knew it was my house. You and Will came back by and finally stopped. You hopped out of the car and while gaining your balance skipped over to me. As I handed you the drum pedal you hugged me, then you said “thank you, you’re amazing. this deserves another hug” and you hugged me again. I just smiled and laughed thinking it was just you to do that. Now I realize I felt a connection with you after that.

Just a few days before we stopped talking, we had to meet up at school for band boot camp. I was chillin in the practice room with the teacher and the rest of the freshman saxes, when you knocked on the door asking for a stand. I forgot to take my A.D.D. medicine that day so I ran to the door. The teacher had already remembered me from the day before, because of my outspoken mind. I really believe she hated me, and I hated her. I gave you the stand and I told you I had been looking for you. Your response was as expected “whatt?” with that confused expression you have. I told you Melissa needed her neck strap so you were like “oh right”. I still don’t know how you got a hold of the neck strap, because we hadn’t seen eachother in so long. You came back to the room about 5 minutes later and I ran to the door again. You handed me the neck strap and right before you left I whispered ” this teachers a bitch.” You grinned and laughed a little then you left.

It came out of know where. I don’t know why we stopped talking. Maybe it was something I did. If it is I just wish you would tell me so I could atleast understand. Maybe lies were spread about me. I don’t know and I ask myself the same question everytime I think of you. Why wont you just talk to me. If I said something i’m sorry. If I did something i’m sorry. I just need to know what I did. People make mistakes, but if I don’t know what mistake I made then how am I suppose to keep myself from doing it again.

I don’t want you to ask me out, or anything like that. I just miss talking to you. I’ve been told different reasons as to why you pulled away. If you’re scared of getting hurt I can promise you that is something I’m not capable of doing and something I would never in my life do. I know nothing about love or about relationships. I’ve never seen a couple in love, I’ve never heard my parents tell eachother they love eachother. I’ve never seen them kiss. I might not know anything when it comes to love and relationships and how to make them work, but I know how to prevent them from failing. I grew up seeing my parents yell and fight. They’ve told us kids and eachother that they don’t love eachother and they wish to get a divorce. Right now as I type this I know in my heart that my parents were never ment to be together. They love eachother, but their love isn’t strong enough for them to get through life together. I know that at some point they will get a divorce, and I don’t mind. I think it would be a great thing. The point is I’ve seen two people cause eachother more pain then they could ever do to themselves, and I could never hurt you. Or anyone else. I’ve been through enough pain, and if I hurt you, id hurt me too.

I have a story. One that I don’t tell people. It’s my childhood, and it scarred me for life. I still cry about it. The pain I feel, because of it will never go away, but I don’t regret my childhood. Even if I had no control over it. I don’t regret it, because it made me a stronger, better person, and it taught me how fragile and special love is once you really find it. I’m not saying i’m in love with you or I ever was, because that’s not true, but i never said there wasn’t a chance that it could grow into love. This whole note sounds cheezy and as my burst of inspiration fades away I just have a few things left to say. I wish you could and would read this so you’d understand me a little better. I’m a hard girl to understand. I have trust issues, even though I don’t show it, and i’m beaten and abussed on the inside, but I would show that too you if you gave me the chance. I saw something in you that i’ve never seen in another guy. You believed in me. You believed in everyone that ment something to you, and you cared. Now a days it’s hard to find a guy that genuinly cares, but you do. and I know you have a sensitive side, which most guys don’t show. We had so much in common and I didn’t know you that long, but in that time I have so many memories of you.

You’ll be leaving soon, starting a new life and in a few years none of this will matter. Maybe we won’t even remember it, but I live in the moment, and maybe you were too scared to even see if things could actually work. Or maybe you really didn’t feel that way about me but that wouldn’t of mattered, because I liked you as a friend too. I loved talking to you and I wouldn’t mind going back to that. I remember one night Melissa’s status said something that had me worried and feeling guilty. I was really drunk and you didnt and still don’t know that. I pop chatted you asking you to do me a favor. I asked you to check up on Melissa and see what was up. I wasn’t typing too clearly, but you understood and without questioning you did. She told you everything, and you had the heart to show me a part of the message. Maybe you knew it was about me, maybe not. But you cared and you tried to help. I was really hammered that night, and you’re all I remember from it. All I remember is you helping me out, and I was so happy to just know you.

As I sit in my bed right now I’m looking over at the desk that I sat at that night trying to jog my memory. Melissa never came to me about it and she never told me you talked to her, but I just knew you were helping her through it. She was disaapointed in me and I was to drunk to fix it and talk to her, but you did. You did what I couldn’t do, but what I should’ve done. You just talked to her, and that’s all she needed. She needed to know people believed things would be okay, and they wouldn’t last for ever. I can’t thank you enough for the memories you have left me with. And the video you left on my wall, I still smile when I watch it. I wish I could talk to you and tell you everything i’m thinking and feeling, but I can’t I hope someday you will accidentally stumble apon this note, and you will know

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