Six years later, I still flinch.

You say that i'm weak, show me the proof. Because I still exist in spite of you.

October 26,2005 I met him at The Crossroads. A small venue in New Jersey on a blank street. It was a bit cloudy outside but i'll never forget his face. The young, virgin love and endless introductions. He was playing that night in his band at the time. They were absolutly terrible but I pretended to enjoy it. Little did I know every song was about his ex- girlfriend. Who I seriously should've questioned. Throught out 4 years not only had he lied about the "virgin" aspect of himself but he had also hid the fact that he had photos and videos of said acts. Amazingly, I found them and he was kind enough to wear the ring I had bought him for our 2 year anniversary in MOST of them. Lucky me it was only 4 years too late right? Wrong. At first things were normal and still in the honeymoon phase. After a year, he'd leave me every other week for some new girl on myspace. After 2 he started cutting me off from my friends and family. Broke every phone I had and beat me once in awhile. After 3, I was going to school concussed and came home to be cut and beaten a little more. After awhile, I contemplated suicide once every three months. Then, every month. Then, every other week. Finally, it became every single day I contemplated ending my life because, he wouldn't let me leave otherwise. He had manipulated me to the point where calling the authorities was NOT an option and he convinced me that if I left him that he'd kill my entire family. I truely believed him. He had the eyes of a killer. Cold yet terribly polite. So convincing and almost comforting. He led me like a sheep to slaughter. His mom once saw a huge bruise that came from my left shoulder blade down to my elbow and also had spread to my chest and ribs. She questioned me and all I thought was "TELL HER!" and yet I found "Nothing, I fell in gym class the other day- i'm fine" roll off my tongue. I stood there mortified to realize that he had been standing in his doorway watching me talk to his mother the entire time. There was about 8 months where I became a hollow shell of a human being. If you've ever seen the movie Pulse, then you'd know exactly what I was for 8 months. I had no will to carry on and no hope left for escaping this hell like relationship. He tore me down daily emotionally and physically. The verbal abuse stung more than the physical after awhile. Pretty soon after I became a ghost of my former self, I almost walked infront of a train. A friend stopped me. After that I hung myself several times- each time I was cut down. I was unable to cut deep enough to mask the eternal agony I had been facing for years, he'd beat me for it anyway. So I resorted to beating myself or cutting underneath my hair or behind my knees. Realizing my attempts at feeling human were helpless, I checked myself into a crisis unit under "false" pretenses. They held me under night and it gave me a night or two away from him. After I was let out, they advised me to begin talking to a counsler or therapist. After taking alot of greif from my family- I began going. It helped to get alot off of my chest but I still didn't have the courage to leave him. My therapist even said that he's poisoning me and I need to eradicate all things in my life that are negative. Early Septemeber 2009, he was playing another show at a venue in northern NJ. He was booked with more deathcore and hardcore bands, nothing out of the norm. However, that day I saw a kid I had gym class with my senior year of highschool! He was the vocalist of another band playing that night. He was about 6'1, very lanky but built, long black hair with the sides shaved down. Completely stunning and I had been crushing on him since my freshmen year (he was in 7th grade at the time). I had always wanted to be with him but we lost each other in the halls of acadamia amoungst the teen angst and total mayhem that was highschool. I couldn't help but sneak peeks at him while he gleamed on stage. My boyfriend at the time was openly gawking at the female vocalist of another deathcore band and i'm sure he had some explicit thoughts swirling through his head-being he was a pig. My dream boy had tried to say hello but I had to ignore him because my boyfriend flipped if I even said hi to another guy. So, I went to therapy the following day and pretty much spewed all the goings on and all I could talk about was my gorgeous new crush. She said I should go for it and break the spell my current "boyfriend" had on me. So I got his number from a close friend and called him at 11 pm sometime later that month. We were on the phone until 6 am. Sparks flew and the next 2 days following we had more 8 hour conversations. We made a fake contest on who was easier to get a kiss from. I bet he was and he claimed he wasn't! Well he was! We met at a Target and practically made out in the book isle! We became inseparable after that. I recieved a text September 25, 2009 saying " I can't stand not having you to myself anymore, will you be mine?" I jumped around my stepsisters room in tears like a giddy school girl. Right then, he called me and we were talking. During the call my abusive boyfriend (not for long) beeped in and I answered while juggling both phone calls. I told him to hold and went back to dream boy- he said two words "leave him" and I switched back and told the devil that he was history and that I was serious. He screamed at me at first and threatened me- basically said he could leave me whenever and that i'll always take him back. Then, he started crying and on came the "i'm sorrys" and "I won't do it agains", best of all the "I love you babe! I swear you're the only girl for me!" I hung up on him and never looked back. I've been with my dream guy for 2 years come September. I haven't spent one day away from him literaly. We've lived together for over a year now and we're stuck together like glue! Best part is, our anniversary will always fall two days before my birthday and ALWAYS on Christmas!
It's been two years since I was last with the morbid sob but, I still flinch at a raised hand and still cry in the shower at all the scars I have from him.
Six years later, I still flinch.


More or less, I wrote this to get it off my chest. I've been holding it to myself for two years and it's been hard not to blab to every single person who thinks he's a nice guy! So this was for my own personal referrence and peace of mind. Also, just to let you all know- the guy in the picture is the result of 4 years of torment. He's my light at the end of the tunnel and the most amazing birthday present i've ever received. That's my dream guy.


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