He is a lost soul but he helped me in finding myself...
Today marks the first month since we broke up. No "break up" sex. No protestations for change. Nothing. With the last three years being the most tumultuous of my life, it seemed ironic that our last moments as a couple were spent calmly eating dinner, still loving one another but knowing deep down that it's time to move on.
We would torture each other with the "on again, off again" palaver. Friends and family barely able to keep up. Becoming a farce; even to ourselves...
I finally came to terms with a few of my demons this year and from those moments of sobriety, encouraged moments of intense clarity. Waking up one morning and "waking up". Realising that my life was to be lived and loved and enjoyed and all I seemed to be doing was chasing a dream that could never be a reality with him.
It doesn't make me right or him wrong - it just is what it is... knowing in my heart that I love this man and that I respect him enough to let him go.
I've cried but I've laughed too. I've seen him many times in the last month as we work together. We've spoken on the phone and related to each other as friends... Good friends. It was a conscious decision on my part for it to be this way. To approach this next chapter with happiness, not sorrow, for there have been too many sad moments between us... too many. It's time to embrace our friendship and respect the boundaries of that completely.
Our past is coloured with music, laughter, tears, joy, depression, sex, violence, anger, jealousy, bitterness and love. A gamut. We showcased to ourselves just how to NOT treat a lover. I learnt so much and continue to reflect on it to this day. I know better for next time and hopefully he does too.
Call me a romantic but I have hope for us to be true lifelong friends. My headspace is completely different now to what it once was. Again, sobriety can work wonders for a human being. I feel sad in my sad moments but I no longer lash out at him or the world and blame blame blame! I am the master of my experience. I choose how I wish to interpret my existence. Lucky for me, I'm still young and childfree and are capable of working out the mystery of myself. I've grown from the experience and knowing that makes me feel all the better and soothes me through any moments of sadness.
He is a lost soul but he helped me in finding myself. He spoiled me rotten and loved me the best way he knew how. I will miss our mornings and I'll miss his smell...
To my now ex-lover, thank you. I love you... goodbye.