I'll Grow Up and Find it Then

so I guess it will come when it comes

I haven't trusted anyone in a while. I don't think I could ever fall totally in love and when I think of the possibility, I see myself more as a character in a movie. It's abstract. When I start to write poetry due to the inspiration of some dude, I'll know it's love ..but I haven't found it yet and I don't know if I want to. I'll lose myself. I'll devote a part of myself that is totally not willing or ready yet. And see how every sentence thus far has had an "I" in it? That's a bad sign that I won't really ever be able to love someone else. In fact, it proves that I have some sort of narcissism because to love someone, you need to be selfless. And, you can't THINK about the act of loving when you are loving-- because in thinking, you are forcing. So I dunno. I have yet to really feel the need to spill my guts over someone. I guess I'm sad about that, but maybe that just means that no one has been worth my time? I don't know...it could be that I've never really felt like someone has wanted me as theirs.
What I do know is there is no reason for me to waste my time with dating these days. It's either I feel something for someone or I do not at all upon meeting them. I would prefer it all to just happen for me with someone I already know, but the men I know have not been right enough. There have always been complications.
The first ex was from highschool. It was young love. It didn't count. It was the equivalent of loving a pet.
The second ex didn't have anything in common with me and upset me because he didn't want to even try.
The third ex was more like a friend that I watched movies with.
The fourth ex was not even a boyfriend officially, but if anything, I loved him the most out of all of them. He broke me because he was unavailable to love. So ya...I've never had one stable guy to truly take a hold of me and make me his.
I've made out with several men. I've dated. But no one seems solid. So I guess it will come when it comes. I think I'll feel in love when I'm living with someone and experiencing the grown-up life as a shared experience.

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