Brass Tacts

My ex had been a ball and chain secured to an anvil chained to a brass tree connected to the core of the earth.

I ran into my ex on the street while I was with my AA sponsor, with whom I had just exited a meeting. I had not seen ex in years. It had only been a few months since I’d had fifty drinks, so I was still hoping never to see anyone I knew within five blocks of an AA meeting. My ex had been a ball and chain secured to an anvil chained to a brass tree connected to the core of the earth. But I had managed to give her the heave-ho years before, at which point she moved in with the herbal healer she’d been having relations with while we shared an apartment. Seeing ex was a total shocker. I had no idea she had moved back to town. We both froze on the sidewalk. It was so awkward that she actually giggled. Her herbalist had cut off all of her hair, which had previously hung like a split-endz carpet down to her ass, so I didn’t recognize her. Ex actually said, “You remember so-and-so?” And I actually said, “Yes, hello.” The two of them staggered away and my AA sponsor calmly observed the interior of my mouth. Not only was it incredibly satisfying because I was carrying a motorcycle helmet, indicating that I’d accomplished something I’d always wanted to do but had been too smashed to pursue, but also–ex had gained at least one hundred pounds.

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